Lyrics
So Thursday night as I was washing up I was singing to myself, "I think I love you but what am I so afraid of" and others songs played through my head all weekend and now I am thinking about the Dave Matthews Song- So Much to Say but I am singing it as either "nothing to say" or "too much to say", it took me a couple of minutes to remember the correct lyrics. I guess that is what I am feeling like now- I have too much and nothing to say. I haven't blogged all weekend and stuff definitely happened (in the way that somehow minute details and non-events and random musings become blog worthy) but nothing really happened. I suppose I just don't know where to start. So obviously I wanted to go to sleep without starting at all but I figured if nothing else I would check in regarding my mental lyrics.
In terms of progress these past few days have been a mixed bag- pretty bad on the eating front but not as bad on the getting out a bit and being a little more active front. Tied on the getting dressed and looking cute front.
Currently reading two books I picked up at Lois and Clark's over the weekend- "Being Single in a Couple's World"- if reading the intro counts as being in midst of reading it. I am trying not to be disdainful of self help books. God knows, I need to help myself. I am wary of anything that is a best-seller, mass marketed or pop anything- but that is just the snob in me and probably not born of my best impulses. I am also rereading Beach Music as I was looking for something to read at Lois's (I could have just read the other book but that didn't seem like bedtime reading) and I remembered enjoying Beach Music and that I didnt' really remember it as I had read it about ten years ago. As I read it (and enjoy it again) I am struck my how I romanticize pain and suffering and mental illness when I read about it. I am jealous of the friendship between the protaganist and his best friend and the bond they share as victims of child abuse and the strength in them. It makes me feel small and selfish for feeling angry at my parents because of their misguided love (thanks aurora for giving it a perfect name) and yet I also realize that in some way Lilah and I have that kind of friendship too, bonded by parents who don't quite get us and it isnt' very romantic. I am drawn to Jack McCall and his love for his wife and the melodrama and tragedy of it. I don't know what I want in and from another person.
I feel like I want to grow up and figure myself out and then date but sometimes I think I want to be with someone. I guess I want to find someone if I could find the right someone and I want to be in a good relationship but I dont' know if I would recognize the right someone or know who to be in a good relationship and I certainly don't feel like I know how to get there. I'm up to 3 random set up guys (2 lawyers and a mortgage banker) - they each have their own fairly ridiculous story that could only happen to me (all for different reasons).
In related news, my soul brother Holden is going through his own romantic ambiguity drama and it's weird for me on a bunch of levels. I harbor this notion that he is somehow a different version of me, a male, younger version who was gifted by being fourth rather than first child. I am not sure that is in any way accurate. I am starting to wonder if that like so many other things is a lie I told myself. A deliberate illusion that I kept for some reason. I love him and I think he is amazing in so many ways but I'm not sure he is really like me or even gets me in any special way. I considered sending him my blog and then realized it would probably be too much information (especially if I talk about friends with benefits or hooking up or other things that I hope I will get the oppurtunity to discuss). He really loves me but I wonder if I ascribed a certain kind of love to him because I wanted to have it in my life. Maybe I just wanted to have a sibling that really got me and it was part of the image that I wanted to build of myself. I say that my siblings are my five (I include the brother in law) favorite people in the world but I think i may just want to be the kind of person who says that. I love them a lot and speak to them pretty regularly and I like to think we are close and in some ways they really know me but I wonder if they really KNOW me. I think they are phenomenal people andI love spending time with them but I wonder if I have been entirely honest with myself about them, if I haven't been seeing things clearly, choosing to see them as less complex than they actually are. Have I been doing myself a disservice by seeing what I want to see as opposed to what is there?
Wow, life can be really confusing when you aren't sure that you know who you are, what you want, what you think and you're not sure what is real. Is anything real or is reality just want you see? Not sure that makes sense but in an odd and tired way, I know what I mean.
If I get a chance tomorrow (and I should) I hope to blog about cousin Jonah and spirituality and God; Lois and Clark and their relationship; the broken girls club
In terms of progress these past few days have been a mixed bag- pretty bad on the eating front but not as bad on the getting out a bit and being a little more active front. Tied on the getting dressed and looking cute front.
Currently reading two books I picked up at Lois and Clark's over the weekend- "Being Single in a Couple's World"- if reading the intro counts as being in midst of reading it. I am trying not to be disdainful of self help books. God knows, I need to help myself. I am wary of anything that is a best-seller, mass marketed or pop anything- but that is just the snob in me and probably not born of my best impulses. I am also rereading Beach Music as I was looking for something to read at Lois's (I could have just read the other book but that didn't seem like bedtime reading) and I remembered enjoying Beach Music and that I didnt' really remember it as I had read it about ten years ago. As I read it (and enjoy it again) I am struck my how I romanticize pain and suffering and mental illness when I read about it. I am jealous of the friendship between the protaganist and his best friend and the bond they share as victims of child abuse and the strength in them. It makes me feel small and selfish for feeling angry at my parents because of their misguided love (thanks aurora for giving it a perfect name) and yet I also realize that in some way Lilah and I have that kind of friendship too, bonded by parents who don't quite get us and it isnt' very romantic. I am drawn to Jack McCall and his love for his wife and the melodrama and tragedy of it. I don't know what I want in and from another person.
I feel like I want to grow up and figure myself out and then date but sometimes I think I want to be with someone. I guess I want to find someone if I could find the right someone and I want to be in a good relationship but I dont' know if I would recognize the right someone or know who to be in a good relationship and I certainly don't feel like I know how to get there. I'm up to 3 random set up guys (2 lawyers and a mortgage banker) - they each have their own fairly ridiculous story that could only happen to me (all for different reasons).
In related news, my soul brother Holden is going through his own romantic ambiguity drama and it's weird for me on a bunch of levels. I harbor this notion that he is somehow a different version of me, a male, younger version who was gifted by being fourth rather than first child. I am not sure that is in any way accurate. I am starting to wonder if that like so many other things is a lie I told myself. A deliberate illusion that I kept for some reason. I love him and I think he is amazing in so many ways but I'm not sure he is really like me or even gets me in any special way. I considered sending him my blog and then realized it would probably be too much information (especially if I talk about friends with benefits or hooking up or other things that I hope I will get the oppurtunity to discuss). He really loves me but I wonder if I ascribed a certain kind of love to him because I wanted to have it in my life. Maybe I just wanted to have a sibling that really got me and it was part of the image that I wanted to build of myself. I say that my siblings are my five (I include the brother in law) favorite people in the world but I think i may just want to be the kind of person who says that. I love them a lot and speak to them pretty regularly and I like to think we are close and in some ways they really know me but I wonder if they really KNOW me. I think they are phenomenal people andI love spending time with them but I wonder if I have been entirely honest with myself about them, if I haven't been seeing things clearly, choosing to see them as less complex than they actually are. Have I been doing myself a disservice by seeing what I want to see as opposed to what is there?
Wow, life can be really confusing when you aren't sure that you know who you are, what you want, what you think and you're not sure what is real. Is anything real or is reality just want you see? Not sure that makes sense but in an odd and tired way, I know what I mean.
If I get a chance tomorrow (and I should) I hope to blog about cousin Jonah and spirituality and God; Lois and Clark and their relationship; the broken girls club
posted by Zoe at 11:57 PM
2 Comments:
where to begin. as for the broken girls club, if understand you correctly, may i suggest the mildy bowed (but not broken dammit!) girls club? as for being confused as to what is and is not reality, well, i just saw "the lake house" so i really can't be of any help there.
as to the stuff re:holden and the rest of the carrington clan......right on.
How about the on the mend girls club?
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