Today I cried

It was good and it was time and I have to say while it wasn't fun, I am happy that I was feeling SOMETHING. I was talking to Lilah and she was telling me that blogging is no substitute for talking to her and she is worried about me. And I realized that I was worried about me. I don't know who I am and I am not sure why I am scared to find out. Am I scared to find out that I am ordinary? Does that somehow offend this overacheiver sense of myself. Lilah tells me she just wants me to be myself and to be happy. I don't need letters after my name or to be married I just need to know who I am and what I believe. I have to stop trying on all these costumes and stop trying to make them fit. Basically, she says the only time she doesn't like me is when I am being fake or trying too hard. I know that my sister has said that to me as well. I want to be me. I think I want to stop lying to myself and to everyone else. Is that what the back pain is- the lies? My mom was telling me that I have to release my back (she suggested spine twists) and I am thinking, do I have to release the lies, are they residing in my back (are they somehow the straw that broke the camel's back- when they get to be too much then theyt break my back and I feel it and I have to take some time off to figure out what is going on?- not sure if that is properly articulated but it makes sense to me). How do I figure out who I am, what I want, what I believe, what I want to do, who I want to be? Things that I know don't work- trying to be what my parents want, extremes- I have to learn moderation so that something can stick, trying to be some version of wonderwoman. Progress in the past 11 years (since Lilah and I have been friends)- I accept that I am not really a spiritual person and I am ok with it. Am I pursuing grad school b/c i think I have to or should or because it fits some notion of who I think I should be. Will being a psychologist make me happy? Regardless, I should probably adjust my schedule for the fall- taking Neuroanatomy, Neurophysiology, History of Psychology and Survey of Clinical Neuroscience may be a bit much and may only be servicing my need to prove something. Also going to try moderate exercise. Lilah recommended 20 minutes of walking and then working up to 20 minutes of running and then build from there. So today I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and next time I will go just slightly faster. I am not looking at my calorie expenditure or mileage just the time and the speed. I am also not going to look at the scale. I will try to honestly mark down everything I eat in my blog and I am going to try to be healthy. Other blog additions will be what song I am singing in my head and what book I am reading. Not sure it will always be illuminating but it might be. Song- Scars by Papa Roach (I think, I am not really good at that kind of thing), Refrain that is in my head is "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, My weakness is that I care too much, the scars remind us of what was there, I tear my heart open so I can feel"- or some variation on that. This morning I finished A Spectacle of Corruption by David Liss, it is the sequel to Conspiracy of Paper, that people told me was very compelling. I thought they were both eh. Then I was reading the paper, we'll see if I start a new book tonight. Basically, I can't say that i'm hopeless but not sure i'm hopeful either. i think i'm trying.