Figuring it out and making it work

I had a really nice Rosh Hashana at my parents house and I think it was because I was able to take the parts that are meaningful to me and appreciate them and tolerate the rest enough that I didn't antagonize my parents. And I don't feel guilty about the things I am not doing or the parts of the holiday that aren't meaningful to me. I think I am learning to make my peace with God and be an observant Jew on my terms (even if those aren't terms that most Jews who consider themselves observant would recognize).
Today was a good in balance day- taking it from on paper to in my life. I woke up at a reasonable time, did 30 minutes of cardio and 25 minutes of weights, had an eating disorder related meeting, went to lab- got some work done, took care of some work for my class, had dinner with Will and Meg who just came back from Israel, went to Rockstar Karaoke with Juliet, my male doppelganger, his girlfriend and a couple of their friends (I did NOT perform but I just might next time I go) and caught up with Sam and Elle on the phone and played phone tag with Lilah and Gracie, and did some non-scholastic but really interesting reading (memoir of someone with disassociative identity disorder)- I'll take more days like this. Not perfect but moving in the right direction. I have work and research meeting tomorrow and I have to prepare for a presentation with Lia so tomorrow has potential. I also need to make some more headway on my "to do" list.
I definitely could be more productive but I'm proud of myself anyway. I am happy that I am making an attempt to get out and meet new people not just hang out with my crowd. I can't complain that I want to be a relationship and the closest I have been to date in 2 months is dinner and drinks with my new Indian friend at Sinai (although it was vaguely datey and he did email me to ask me to a movie later that week) and then just hang out with my friends. I need to attempt to get a bit more and I did that tonight (sure I took Juliet as insurance) when I met up with MD (male doppelganger- i don't remember the alias I assigned him when we went on our two dates last winter or when we went to dinner during restaurant week) and his friends (his friends were all female but were all really cool) and I had a great time. I think I am content and I am not going to overthink it.
A boyfriend would be great but I am not going to send my resume to my mom so she can send it to random religious matchmakers- like the one she introduced me to at my cousin's party. She told me this guy was "modern" as he wore shorts in the summer. My mom assured her that it wouldn't be a problem for me-- um yeah that wouldn't be a problem. however, i think the fact that we seem to be living in different universes may prove a tad tricky for me. Striking a balance between proactive and desperate and openminded and undefined--and most importantly between living my life my way and pursuing my goals and independence and still making reasonable efforts to expand my social network. I think I am doing OK and if not I'm confident that I will figure it out somehow.

It's been a while

I guess I haven't been inspired to write. I haven't been avoiding it. I think I have just been working out some of this kind of stuff in my head or with conversations with friends or there hasn't been that much to report or work out. In the past week my mom has made some really horrific weight related comments but they don't have the same effect. At this point I collect them as fodder for funny stories to tell my friends not as fodder for painful stories to tell my therapist. I am now able to see that is HER problem, her pathology. I told Lilah that I wouldn't take it personally were someone who was afflicted with Tourette's kept calling me a "fucking bitch" - this is no different. And as I told Sam yesterday, I don't expect my mom to change- I have been saying that for years. Saying that I understand that my parents WILL NOT change and I have to change, I have to shift my expectations and reactions. I said it but I didn't stop dreaming in my heart of hearts that things would be different. I now realize that it is akin to wishing the sky would turn green. Clearly my wishing energy is best spent elsewhere. I will never be truly close with my parents. I will continue to have a "close" but very superficial relationship with them. Learning to accept that and to embrace the other people in my life who have stepped in to become my true intimates is really liberating. I think I also realized that I had this completely unrealistic perception of parents- they are not the ones who love you unconditionally- they couldn't as their egos are too tied up in your development. T2GT kept telling me that I had to seperate from my family and he had said that I had made a lot of progress but now I finally think I am here. I see that I can spend time with them and be "close" to them but I think I have really isolated my psychic space. I love Erin and Sophie but they are also products of that environment- they don't see my mother's "eating disorder" at all- how could they? They have inherited it to a lesser degree and since they are thin it doesn't hurt them. It took me 30 years to see it clearly and I was motivated by its effects on me. My parents will always be obsessed with my weight and it is THEIR problem. I refuse to keep going there with them. I am really trying to focus on my health and fitness and not a number on a scale. I want to feel good and I want to look good but I decided to stop weighing myself as I get obsessed and I decided not to talk about diets because it is boring!!! I am doing this for me and I don't want to be anxious about it. I don't want to be obsessed with it. I just don't want to feel gross after overeating or feel like I can't get my body to walk up stairs. I like pushing myself at the gym and I want to start running because I want to be healthy. I want to eat according to the vitamin guy because I feel good (physically and mentally) and I have energy and my skin clears up. I still want to be able to eat chocolate and ice cream sometimes and not feel guilty or "bad" about it and I think I am getting there. These are my goals for me- not to get a man or please my parents or fit into some gown at Holden's wedding.
I have also decided that I am done with casual play- it isn't what I am really looking for and it isn't in service of my goal. Sure it is fun and I think it was good for me for a while (it was what I wanted and I liked feeling sexy and I enjoyed it) but its time has passed. I want a relationship and I am willing to wait for play that is emotionally as well as physically intimate. I ahve no clue about how to look for a relationship and how to draw the line between proactive and desperate -- all comments and suggestions are welcome!

Too thin?

Clearly the title is not a reference to my body. When I was telling Karen my plans for this semester she told me that is sounded like I was spreading myself a bit thin. One day into it and I realize that she may be right. I like the things I am doing so far but I have to be careful not to overschedule myself - feeling like I should be somewhere or cutting it tight is going to make me stressed. I think that I have to limit social scheduling to the weekend. I can engage in impromptu plans (like dinner with this guy from Sinai) but I can't rely on finishing work in time to get to a movie (like Fistful of Quarters at 630 with Scotty). And I need to figure out a way to get better sleep so that I can function optimally during the day. Last night's sleep was sub-par and I made it through meeting with anorectic and some work but started fading half way through my meeting at Sinai. I should get to bed so that I can wake up on time to pick up Lia and get to school. I'm tired but feeling good. Content. Serene. Centered.

Life in the Balance

Yesterday I was talking to Joanie and she said that I live a really balanced life- I am social, I make time for my family, I am a student, I do volunteer work, I do research, I exercise. I told her that on paper my life is balanced and I am trying to actually get it there in reality. I do think I am en route to getting my life in balance. If I can keep myself on track this fall I think I can do it. I haven't been hanging with my friends as much as I might like and I haven't been that productive. I have been exercising in a balanced manner and I have been on top of my relaxing but I am getting myself in my balance zone. I am feeling better- which may be because I can keep food down and no longer nauseous but I may no longer be filling ill because I went to class on Thursday and work on Friday.
School was harder and easier than I anticipated. It was tough to be with other masters students who were accepted in the doctoral program but I liked being back in class and taking notes and getting back in touch with my inner student.
I spent Shabbat with Sarah and I also cleaned up my apt and took care of some errands and finished some work so I feel like I am getting back to being productive and social and it's great. It is great to feel better and get to feel like I am on the road again. On the road to being balanced. I would like a man to be part of the balance but I will work on everything else first. I do think I am really going to stop the random play because while it may be fun, i know that it isn't what I really want. I want a relationship and I really want to start getting some quality sleep. I think that maybe why i have been getting sick- I haven't been sleeping well at all but I may not be sleeping well because I am anxious but I do think that I am having a lot of trouble due to allergies and not being able to breathe while I am laying down.