Tears streaming down my cheeks

Not everyone is going to like me and I have to be OK with that. I also have to remember not to ascribe too much importance to the people who don't like me and neglect to remember all the people who do like me. And also who gives a fuck? Why do i really care how my actions and intentions are perceived? Why isn't it enough to trust in myself? I guess it would be if I really did do that. Shit- I don't know what is wrong with me. I have all the evidence I could need that I am a good person who is loved and valued- why don't I really feel it sometimes? And I know that i have to deal with that part of me that feels rejected with so much potency because just pushing it away hasn't been all that effective. But I don't like the petty person I become when that aspect of me is so salient. I have to figure out a way to utilize all parts of me. And the only reason I can think of to explain the fact that I am crying now is that my period must be imminent (I really should keep better track).
why is there this part of me that just refuses to feel loved and appreciated? I feel it now like this sharp stabbing pain in my gut. I have to go back to writing up the film outline or I have to try to get some sleep - since it is close to 2 am that is probably the better idea. Although I might try to work on my personal statement as T2GT told me that I need to access this part of me to write it and I know he is right and I have been meaning to write it for days but haven't done more than research all the profs at each school so I can include them in the statements. I just haven't felt inspired. Maybe I will now.

Yay & Nay

Yay- finally saw a movie (first one since Harry Potter) - Margot at the Wedding - so good! (and yay that I got to catch up with Juliet)
Yay- getting keys to my east village apt tomorrow!
Nay- still have to write 17 personal statements!
Nay- still very congested
Yay & Nay- I have a pretty busy week scheduled (lab, assessment, fitting and Stella's bday party tomorrow, appts and meeting on tuesday- possible "date" with Joao, class and menu planning with Sophie on Wed, on call Wed night, meeting and class on Thursday, Lilah coming in on Thursday afternoon, karaoke with Savi chicks on Thursday night-- and I have to fit in applications, 2 movie meetings, writing up two studies for Sinai and will be at my parents for shabbat since Holden and Lauren are coming in and I have Anne's wedding on Sunday am.
Yay- I can schedule appts with trainer for friday and sunday and can swim on sat night since I will be in Lawrence- I miss moving.
Nay- having a really hard time scheduling therapy due to to my time constraints
Nay- missed Anne's shower this morning
Yay- had dinner with Sophie, Alex, Jamie and Adam and put the kids to bed
Yay- caught up (a bit) with one of my childhood friends

Chugging along

I handed in my 30 page term paper on Tuesday. Apparently TERM papers are not meant to be written in a weekend. I did my reading and annotating over the week (well mostly Sat night and Sunday but some was done earlier) and then didn't sit downt to write the paper until Sunday night. This ill advised plan resulted in only 4 hours of sleep between Sunday morning and Tuesday night and a paper that was barely edited and finished at the deadline. I do hope I learned a lesson. If I do well on the paper, I may not actually take the lesson to heart (although I did get a nasty cold which way have been due to depressed and sleep deprived immune system). My presentation went very well on Tuesday and after the paper was handed in I felt so free- which lasted about an hour and then I remembered the 17 applications I have to complete. Although even with application deadlines and finals looming I still feel less burdened as I have finished my term paper and SAVI training and the bridal shower I threw last month and I ordered a gown for Holden's wedding (although I have to go get measured on Monday)- at the start of the semester I had all of these balls to juggle and at this point I am able to put down a few of them. I still have an assessment to complete on Monday and a bunch of stuff to do for my research commitments but at least a few of the big balls have been completed. My potential patient didn't work out but hopefully the next referral that we get will produce a patient for me. It is good to know that my supervisor has faith in my clinical ablities and I really do feel like they have grown recently as I have been on a few more SAVI calls (including a rape survivor) and completed some assessments both with normals and inpatients (and parents).
I hope to finish my applications this week (all of my transcripts and scores have been sent and 2/3 letters are out- the third is written but I have to meet with my prof on the 5th to mail them out)- it is just the personal statement, which I know is scaring me but I also know that I can do this.
In other news, I haven't been on a date in months. I know that I have to get out more, as I have been fairly reclusive due to my work schedule. Getting out might help. I also have not been set up with anyone in a long time. I know that I am not thin, but I am not obese and I am still really cute and I'm sexy and fun and smart and I'm a good person. Someone has to know someone who is looking for a girl like that. I've been actively setting up my friends and acquaintances. One of these days karma has to pay me back. If I just want to hook up with someone, I know how to get that. But it isn't what I want. It isn't very satisfying and at this point, i have honed my skills enough that I don't need to just get some practice.
My mom is trying to be leave me alone regarding my weight but I know she wishes I would lose weight. I was talking to her about how I have been chain-drinking tea and she said "well at least that is a good start for a diet.....i mean, if that is what you want." I would like to lose some weight- at least the weight i have gained since the summer (which is the same weight that I lost this summer). I just want to feel healthier. I want to get regular exercise, eat most healthy food and get enough sleep on a somewhat normal schedule. I want to feel like I know I have clothes that fit me and I don't have to start thinking about my wardrobe when I want to go out or go to visit my parents.
I miss my friends- I think that focusing on school and research and my movie is great and it makes me feel productive and focused but I also need to start seeing my friends again. I love coming out on a movie meeting (esp if I hear how inspiring I am) but I also love coming out of a dinner with a friend. I did spend last Shabbat with Chloe and Sarah and I have Anne's shower in the morning so I am socializing a little. Hopefully Joanie and I can make time to see each other this weekend and I will be able to touch base with Elle and Sam as well. Everything has been crisis intervention (because I will make time for my friends in a crisis) or school oriented conversations recently and I like it because it makes me feel connected to my friends and productive and useful but it isn't the same kind of fun with friends- which is mostly my fault. And because I keep getting no sleep due to school work I get sick and then sleep later-- this isn't good for a balanced life. Months ago Joanie told me I have balance- school, research, community service, friends, family. I need to get back in balance. I spent some time with my nephews and I will be with my family this coming weekend, Lilah is coming in this weekend as is one of my SAVI friends- if I can utilize my time well over the next week and sleep appropriate hours then I can hopefully start getting my life back in balance and can use Holden, Lauren and Lilah's visits (as well moving into my new apt in the East Village with Katelyn- we talked about joining a gym together and meeting for drinks in the 'hood) as a fulcrum to swing my life into balance. I would love to get out and have fun and get some exercise and still be making progress with my movie, research and schoolwork.

what is going on (?)

So it looks like Erin might be going out with Holden's best friend, who she has known her whole life. If she does, she may just end up engaged to him before my next birthday. And then I will be the last single Carrington- the official spinster sister. At that point I may just decide that bulimia is for sissies and it is time to give anorexia a try.
In other news, I have to stop procrastinating- I didn't get nearly enough done today and I am so behind schedule (and that was before I got another assessment passed on to me). This is good- this is progress and I have time to do all of it, as long as I do it and don't waste the massive amounts of time that I wasted today. Am I avoiding socializing (like the party Stella had in our apt last night) because I have too much work? Or because I am hiding from something? And I keep getting nauseous- psychosomatic? or just eating too much crap? Both are equally plausible.
I think I am going to take my tea and journal article and climb into bed and try to wake up early and make good use of my day tomorrow. I should go into Brain lab but I also need to go to inpatient unit at Sinai to finish assessment (and call his mom to schedule assessment with her) and I need to write this paper by next Tuesday. (I read 6 papers today and I didn't write up my notes on them - not really enough progress). Let's see how the day goes- hopefully I will be really productive. We'll see.

Maybe i'm just tired

All my training is done - I had my last meeting for it. On to my next challenges- I did my first presentation for the sexual assault program and I think I will be starting treatment with my first patient (mom of a sexually assualted girl) in a couple of weeks, and I did my first inpatient assessment- I just need to focus on school more- i still have a midterm and I have to start a 20 page paper that is due November 20th (I dont think that printing and carrying around 20 articles counts as starting).
I did go try on dresses for Holden's wedding- I didn't want to avoid it anymore- and I did feel fat in some of the dresses that didnt' fit and I didn't buy anything yet but it was progress.
Part of me is excited about the new article that was published this week about the film (we are starting filming in a couple of weeks) and about moving forward with clinical experiences and just sitting in class and learning and hanging out with my friends and my sister and my nephews and part of me is just tired and doesn't want to do it anymore. I guess I am attracted to the idea of being overcommited and crazed but then I kind of lose sight of why I am going this. I think I see my goals but I am not sure why I want them- I see why they are valuable but I am just not sure that I care. It's really weird. It may just because I haven't been sleeping well- or maybe this is why I am not sleeping well.
I don't know, I am proud of myself and the life I have built for myself and I love the people in my life and what I am doing and I love learning but I just had this moment this week where I was just disinterested. I don't why.
I had a good (read: tear filled) therapy session on Monday morning and I wonder if this is a residual of that- a way that I am working things out or something like that.
Maybe i'm just tired- I am going to Sophie for shabbat and plan to get a lot of sleep.

Mundane Stuff

So tired from training but it is over now and I'm happy I did it. I think I was well received by my trainees- at least I got good evaluations.
I need to go to sleep because I have so much studying to do and i'm exhausted. But it was a good weekend. Training, dinners with Lia and Peter, play (The Misanthrope) with Juliet, dinner with Sarah tonight- got in some social time and some downtime on Friday and now I need to get in some study time and some buying a dress time (when I find some time to do that). I think applications will have to hold off until after termpapers and midterms and other related stuff. I have 5 weeks until the first application is due and all of my letters of recommendation and transcripts are requested so I think I will be OK. I am also trying to make sure I get enough sleep so that I can function optimally when I am awake and need to be focused.
So I need to go to sleep while I am tired (I have been doing well with that the past couple of nights)

Movin' along

It's been one of those procrastinating days- I got a lot of stuff done that other people were waiting for but very little studying for next Thursday's exam (part of me is proud that I got any studying done for an exam that is a week away but I also know that I MUST do well on this exam and it is a lot of information and I lose a lot of the weekend to SAVI training). I am a little bit anxious about our small group because a couple of the trainees were called to discuss some of the problems we had with them last week. I am nervous to encounter one in particular who is a psychotherapist for 30+ years. I am really not skilled at giving constructive criticism and it is really neccesary to do that as a small group facilitator.
Ate a lot today and a lot of unneccsary carbs and fat. I really need to get back to the gym (I have to find a temp gym until mine opens its promised UES branch) and I just need to eat healthier. I feel kind of gross and nauseous now. I just feel better when I eat better.
I think I have to go to check out dresses for Holden's wedding- it is 8 weeks away. I keep saying I don't have time but I think it is because I have this fantasy that I will lose weight before I have to try on clothes but I am making no efforts toward losing weight other than eating things I want for "the last time" before I start my "diet". I've been food journaling with Sam- I am not sure it makes a difference (other than keeping us connected- which is great).
Even as I feel kind of stuffed, I also feel centered- feeling focused would be good though and I think I need to make myself a daily study schedule with set benchmarks for the next few weeks until my Development paper and presentation.

Good just good

Things are good. I am totally behind but I also recognize that this will be my perpetual state for the next couple of months. I need to get started studying for next week's midterms but I think I have been doing OK with keeping up with my labs and I have really been increasing my clinical contact which I am really happy about. I went to see T2GT today and he said I look good and I am speaking with maturity and grace and I feel it. And Lia told me that I am perfect which was really nice too. Had dinner with Casey- half a bottle of cab and a steak and some genuine friendship makes anything better. I am really proud of myself as I feel like I am doing a pretty good job with this juggling and I also am proud of who I am as a person. It's good. I should go to sleep if I want to be able to get anything done tomorrow (and I have A LOT that I need to get done). Oh, I'm also happy because the apt in the east village worked out and I dont have to worry about that anymore. Hopefully everything else will start falling into place as well.