Notes jotted down in Stats on November 14th

I also do have stats notes but I am not going to post those (if you want to learn about repeated measures factorial ANOVAs let me know)
*Why is it that when I am in some sort of relationship with someone my doubts about them are very clear--I saw all the ways in which Arnie wasn't a good bet, I wasn't sure I even liked Bernard, I wasn't that sure of Carl-- and then once I think they have rejected me then all of a sudden they seem far more attractive than ever? Which isn't to say that I didn't like them at the time but only after it's over so I seem to forget my doubts and mis-remember our time together as something that I was sure about and something that was far more wonderful than it does (i.e. all the silences that punctuated my time with Arnie).
*Was seeing Carl on Sunday a mistake? Should I have rescheduled for Thursday? or Wednesday. It's not that it would have made a significant difference regarding my experience with him but I may have doen better on my 2 exams. - - Am I sabotaging myself? Why? Do I want to be in school? Do I want to be in a neuropsychology program- would I prefer straight clinical?
* Why does every negative interaction make me doubt myself and my choices? Why I am so influenced by other people's perceptions of me?
*Maybe I'm just tired today. I'll get a good night's sleep and swim and see how I feel in the morning.
*Am I doing too much or am I wasting too much time? Likely - the latter.
*I'm ready to be in a relationship. Why do I feel like there is something wrong with that?
*What a really horrible day.
* Yay? I went to class and actually paid attention- not sure if I got anything out of it but this is probably the better way.
* Tomorrow I should read journal articles that pertain to my lab work. I should also finish reading David Buss' The Evolution of Desire and read Jude CAssidy's attachment research.
* My sense of security is SO vulnerable.
* Maybe it's time to take a break from dating and focus on school and applications for the next 5-6 weeks and also on dieting and exercising until Will and Meg's wedding.
* I'm supposed to be impressing the profs and I'm not- I'm doing OK but I'm not shining in any way and I'm not shining in lab. So I'm not sure I'll even get into the PhD program here.
* I should have made the commitment to my life and been patient and rescheduled Carl- or I never should have scheduled him when I had exams, I should have waited until after exa.s. Would it have made the rejection less significant? Will I remember that for next time? I knew better on Sat night and got impatient and chose to ignore it on Sunday am.

Looking in the mirror when I don't like what I see

Once Arnie asked me if I ever look in the mirror and think "damn i'm hot". I replied that I hadn't but I have looked and thought I was cute and he asked me for the most recent time which had been earlier that week-- now I can't remember when it has happened since that time. And I know my feelings about my appearance are very highly correlated with my attitude about my life and my self.
I'm really trying to re-engage with my life and get back in touch with this authentic sense of self that I felt like I had established. I was talking to T2GT and trying to determine how and when I lost my footing. When I started feeling like I wasn't in touch with my classes, my research, my community work, my identity and my life; when everything started feeling so ephemeral; what happened that made me feel so baseless and ungrounded? Even as I sit here and type this, i'm crying and I'm not sure why (it happened today in therapy - I was crying and I didn't feel like I could articulate or even identify a reason.. I guess I just felt lost and adrift. I hate that I feel this way and I don't want to and I don't want it to be true and I want to be able to make it go away and I guess I start to hibernate and regress and to move away from this feeling and basically try to stop feeling all together...which is clearly a really well- advised plan of action, not to mention always terribly successful.
Lilah called me on dissappearing and T2GT called me on lack of blogging (and while my computer cord has been up at the Bronx VA and I hve been more restricted vis a vis computer access, I have managed to to check email and if I wanted to acknowledge, explore and validate my thoughts and feelings I would have found a way to blog- but I guess typing them would make them real in a way that I didn't want to do). I've been attempting to take steps to re-engage with my life and there have been gestures from other people that have helped as well but I know that I need to check in here as well. This is one of the ways that I have built an personal and authentic sense of self.
So when did things shift for me- Black sunday? 2 and 1/2 weeks ago- there have been some really bright moments in the past 2 weeks (a few brilliant days) but the overall landscape has been bleak since then. The sunday that Konstantin got engaged, I found out that Will was getting engaged (as well as other random younger male cousin) and the night of the date with Carl. That is when things changed but I'm not sure why- I went to Konstantin's engagement party and I felt great - I looked cute and had a great time and hung out with my family. I felt a little off because it seemed like Konstantin had jumped ship to the conventional yacht and left me alone in my black sheep dinghy but I felt like I was rowing my dinghy and I was navigating (not to push the analogy) and I felt empowered, secure and confident. (I had spent Saturday at SAVI training, hung out with downtown crew at Sean's birthday party, studied on Sat night for the first time ever- well it was the first time that I actually got anything accomplished. I had studied a lot on Sunday and was feeling like Zoe the uber-student). I'm not sure if it was the less than stellar date with Carl or if it happened before I even met him, when I un-postponed the date or if was just processing all these engagements. I'm not sure how it happened but things changed and now I am trying to change them back.
Again, I'm going to trust T2GT (last time something like this happened I took his advice and it made a huge difference) - so I am going to re-connect with my community. I am going to start the application process for grad school, I am going to focus on my schoolwork for the next 4 weeks so that I can finish this semester with the grades that I know I can get and I am going to try to engage with my research. - I think that is what he told me to do (if I'm wrong- please correct me!)
I've spent a lot of the day studying for my neuroanatomy make-up test (the one I wouldn't need to take if I took the exam the week that Arnie left or if I had studied more the week of the make-up when I got together with Carl- notice a pattern?)-- I think dating has to go on the way back burner until finals are done and all my applications are in (about 6 weeks)
Months ago T2GT and I set my 30th birthday as a goal- I wanted to be where i wanted to be in my life and who I wanted to be and appropriately grown up for 30 by that date. I seemed poised to do it when we set the date- I was thinking about it earlier this week and felt like I was so far off course- I don't know that I can get there in 2 months but I would love to feel like I am really on my way.
Back to the spinal cord...(btw tears have totally subsided)

Getting ME back

So it's been a lot of family time- I guess that is what Thanksgiving is about- especially if your whole family flies in for your brother's engagement party. I've totally been in hiding, my computer powercord was up in the Bronx, I got a nasty cold and was just plain in hiding. I spent Shabbat with my family and went to Will's engagement party last night but other than that I have been sleeping, reading and doing little else. I am on top of my schoolwork but I REALLY need to get an jump on my end of the semester stuff. I didn't poise myself to be able to coast for the last month of school. I need to deliver. And while I have been legitmately sick, I also know that I don't need to indulge a cold the way I have been indulging this one. And I know it's not the way to make me happy. Last Tuesday I was in school from 8 to 8:30 and then went out to dinner with Dani, I got home at 11:30 and I felt great- I had been busy and productive and in touch with what I loved about my life.
I think I need to focus on eating right, exercise and working hard at school for the next month. Will's wedding is coming up fast and I HATE the kinds of comments that I got last night from "well-meaning" people. And I know that if I left like I looked good and felt in touch with my projects and work that I am proud of then those comments wouldn't get to me.
I did try to get to bed early last night and get a good start on the day but I couldn't breathe while i was laying down and kept coughing. Hopefully that will start to resolve itself and I have to push past it to get my Me back.

It's been a while

I actually have a post that I have written that I just have to post (from last Tuesday)- I'll take care of that tomorrow.
I was in exams, and then hibernating and then really busy- but it's no excuse.
I had a really great, over-scheduled weekend and I didn't get to do all of the things I had planned. Apparently I can only be in one place at a time and everything takes longer than I think it will - shocking!
SAVI training is pretty much over and it was great. The women in my group were just awesome and we had this really great experience together and we all hope to keep in touch. One of the women revealed in our last session that she had been fighting cancer throughout our training and she just found out that she was in remission. Another one of the women told us that her mother had died six years ago in the hospital in which we had been training.
I should go to sleep so that I can have a productive day tomorrow. I need to re-engage with school and with lab.
Will got engaged tonight- it's great, he's so happy and I love him so much. It's still kind of weird for me. I have been getting a fair bit of sympathy over the past few days (i.e. Aunt Anna calling me out of the blue on Friday to chat) but tonight was all about Will. I'll worry about losing weight for the wedding and how I feel about my much younger brother getting married tomorrow. Tonight, my little brother is really happy and I really love him and I'm just excited for him.

Remembering who I am

I miss Arnie- although really I think I miss getting good play (with him it was good the first time out and I haven't had any good play since then) and having someone think I'm beautiful. I dont' know if I really miss him or the emotional intimacy or antyhing else- it might just be the play. Wow, that makes me sound like a slut. Oddly enough, I'm OK with that.
I REFUSE, REFUSE, REFUSE to let Carl make me doubt myself. I know that if it's right there is nothing you can do it to screw it up and if it isn't there is nothing you can do it make it better. It just wasn't right with Carl - we didn't connect in person the way we had on the phone and if I feel like I wasn't charming and engaging- it was because he didn't elicit that in me. Which isn't to malign him - we just didn't connect in that way. I may respect him, but you can't force it. And I know that I really wouldn't want to- I want to meet someone with whom I have an effortless, natural connection and I will wait for that. I will not make myself feel like had I been 15 pounds thinner, we would have connected more. I am going to really try to lose weight now but I also know that it wont' fundmentally change the way I connect with people. I am not going to think that if I had more or less anything things would have been different- I will not forget how really amazing I know I am. I know I am smart and interesting and engaging and fun and a sincerely good person who treats people well and I know I am authentic and very blessed. I have spectacular friends and an amazing family and I live in a neighborhood that I love and belong to a community that I cherish. I am really excited to start the Rape Crisis counseling and generally like school (although not the night before an exam) and I am good at it. None of this has changed because I didn't connect with Carl and he didn't admire me. i like my life, I created it for myself and I will not allow myself to doubt it based on nothing at all. Arnie's opinion, Carl's opinion-- they don't matter. My opinion matters.

I should be studying but...

...I'm tired and having trouble focusing on work. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep and the sleep I have been getting has been of fairly poor quality.
..I'm distracted by second guessing myself- Carl came over last night and we didn't really connect in person the way we had been on the phone or online- I'm not sure if we just don't have chemistry or if I was tired and distracted and if ordering dinner to my apt with the TV on in the background and still attempting to study was just a situation doomed to failure. The whole thing made me miss Arnie, I think I really miss feeling like I am spending time with someone who thinks I'm beautiful. I've been thinking about Arnie recently anyway- I have this odd premonition that he is in town, not sure why I think so and I know I'm not actually right about it but it's weird. I would like to see Carl again, I don't feel like I was myself with him, I don't feel like he got to see me. Maybe I shouldn't be second guessing- maybe it just isn't right and there is nothing I could have done about it. I did like him- he was cute and smart and he thinks for himself and he thinks about things. It would be nice to try and have a more traditional date, when I am not exhausted and dont' have an exam the next morning and am not coming from my cousin's engagement party (all of which was my fault- in the sense that i knew all of that and I probably should have stuck with my original impulse to reschedule the date).
...I'm also more distracted than I thought I was going to be by this rush of engagements in my family. Konstantin got engaged on Sat night and Karen and JR threw a HUGE, fancy engagement party last night. Another cousin got engaged last night and Will is getting engaged shortly. In the next few months (apparently everyone is looking at March) I will have a bunch of weddings. I must start dieting for real. I refuse to be older, fat cousin/sister spinster. I thought I was just excited for everyone yesterday but today I realized how weird it is for me, even if I don't want it to be. Konstantin is engaged to a religious girl and is sort of falling in line with the family (not entirely of course) and now I feel like I am the lone black sheep in the family which is OK and I really do feel loved (it was nice to see everyone last night at the party and I do think I'm comfortable being myself with everyone) but I guess it is also kind of weird for me.
All right time to try to get some work done again.
I have been walking and day one of my diet is going strong- made swim date with Karen as well. Time to get back to "fighting weight".

Sort of rambling...

So that exam wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought---apparently the stuff I didn't know was worth a lot less than the stuff I did know. Since the problem set was only worth half and the multiple choice part was curved so I walked away with a 93. I am trying to stay on top off the research stuff- hopefully I will get better when my exams are over. I have gotten studying done for 2 exams on Monday and Tuesday but not nearly enough. I really have to buckle down and study tonight. I didn't really get enough done yesterday.
I met with one of the people who is sharing her story for the eating disorder film yesterday. She also has a history of sexual abuse (which is highly correlated with anorexia). Speaking to her made me feel so blessed, it feels kind of horrible to say, but it put me in a really good mood- i'm not sure it was her or feeling connected to the film project or the beautiful day or talking to Carl the night before but I just felt lucky.
Speaking to her also made me realize how badly I need training to treat people with real issues.
I did some studying yesterday but not nearly enough. I have Sean's birthday party tonight and I think I am meeting Carl tomorrow so I really need to get some work done.
Training today was great- I'm almost done. I'm feeling a lot more confident during the role plays and we had 2 amazing survivor speakers today.

Boring stuff

I finally put away a couple of weeks worth of laundry. It was a somewhat productive day. Got some lab work done, caught up with Sinai stuff. Sadly, no studying or application stuff and quite a bit of procrastination. At least I got to play with Jamie and he was really upset when i left, it was so cute. I had a board meeting tonight that was relatively productive as well. So all in all an OK day. Hopefully I will make more progress studying tomorrow. I am going to actually try and get some stuff done now. Good luck to me

Worst test of my life!!!

i have never wanted to hand in a test in the middle and just walk out before. The stats exam tonight was SO bad. i have really never had an exam like that before. I am trying not to worry about it as I know that if I do better on the final, that grade will supplant this one. I just have to ace the final. I guess i'll hire a tutor if neccesary. I have a ton of work to do as I have 2 exams next week and lots of research oriented stuff to get done. I am actually going to sleep now as my brain is fried and there is no way I will get anything productive done tonight. I might as well get a good night's sleep and then get lots done tomorrow. I also have 2 board meetings tomorrow. Oh it's an exciting life that I lead.
Carl and I had a little misunderstanding about whether or not he was coming in tonight. hopefully we will be able to meet sooner rather than later although both our weeks are pretty crazy.
In exciting news- our lab is presenting 3 posters at upcoming Cognitive Neuroscience Soceity conference and my name will be on 2 of them. I think I have to step it up a bit in the lab though as i will need a letter of recommendation soon. After my exams are over on Tuesday, i really have to buckle down and start applications.

Is this what contentment feels like?

I should be studying for my stats exam and writing up my paper proposal for Neuroanatomy so I'll be brief. I'm good. I feel relaxed (for the most part) and comfortable with myself and just good. Sure, I need to exercise and start eating better and it would be nice to get a normal night's sleep....
Weekend was great. It was wonderful to spend time with downtown crew on Friday night. I just feel like I can be myself (and now I even think I know what that means). I feel authentic and appreciated. Saturday, I had SAVI training. I am really excited that I am doing this. Saturday night, I drove down to Baltimore with Elle and we went out with Lois. I had a really good time and went to sleep pretty late. Woke up early the next day to have breakfast with Will and Holden and then drove to punkin chunkin. It was nice to spend the day outdoors and the event was kind of insane. Highlight was definitely dancing in a cornfield to "Sweet Home Alabama" with Elle. We had dinner with Lois and Clark and another couple when we got back and then we smoked up. It was my first time. I was ready to try it and it was a good oppurtunity. It was fine, I'm sure if I really got stoned or was just tired and buzzed from the 3 glasses of wine with dinner. I just felt really mellow. I would do it again but I don't particularly feel the need to do it anytime soon.
Drove back to NY at 3:30 and went to class at 8 am and then to T2GT. Took a nap and now I am trying to study. I'm still pretty tired.
Carl and I spoke on Sat night and have been texting since then. We haven't been able to talk again but I think we might meet tomorrow night. I think it is better to meet earlier rather than later to see how the biochemistry is between us before we get more attached over the phone and email. In any event, he is a fun distraction and I think that I am feeling pretty comfortable with myself about it.
Back to the grindstone

The Knowing and Believing Disconnect

i know that I will find someone who appreciates me and I know that I deserve it but somehow I am not sure if I really believe it. There is no reason that it shouldn't happen but I suppose that I just don't always feel it. I rarely feel beautiful, even when Arnie told me I was and I liked hearing it I don't think I really felt it. Do I really believe that I am going to meet someone who really wants me? I wonder. If I really believed it would i have been willing to settle for feeling like Arnie wanted me a little? Did I even really feel like he wanted me? It's not like I think there is anything wrong with me. I think I am capable of feeling appreciated and I guess i did with Arnie and with Bernard for a while but ... I don't know. I just feel like I am not sure that I can really believe it, that i really can belive it will happen and that I will really be able to believe it when it does. I'm not sure I am making sense here, even to me.
I know that letting go of Arnie was the right thing to do but it still hurts me.
In other news i did really well on my neurophysiology midterm- not so sure about stats (i've been studying and exhausted which is why i have been MIA- I think I have also been emotionally drained as well).
I am going a wee road trip this weekend to punkin chunkin- www.punkinchunkin.com - I should be working on applications but i also feel like I need to get out of town. I've been fairly good about stayiing on top of schoolwork and using my time productively.
I need to get more on top of exercising. Now i need to go and be more on top of reading for SAVI.
I feel like I have a lot to say but I can't remember it right now.
Oh I met Carl on Jdate- we've been chatting for the past couple of days- so far, he seems good, we'll see.