Remembering who I am
I miss Arnie- although really I think I miss getting good play (with him it was good the first time out and I haven't had any good play since then) and having someone think I'm beautiful. I dont' know if I really miss him or the emotional intimacy or antyhing else- it might just be the play. Wow, that makes me sound like a slut. Oddly enough, I'm OK with that.
I REFUSE, REFUSE, REFUSE to let Carl make me doubt myself. I know that if it's right there is nothing you can do it to screw it up and if it isn't there is nothing you can do it make it better. It just wasn't right with Carl - we didn't connect in person the way we had on the phone and if I feel like I wasn't charming and engaging- it was because he didn't elicit that in me. Which isn't to malign him - we just didn't connect in that way. I may respect him, but you can't force it. And I know that I really wouldn't want to- I want to meet someone with whom I have an effortless, natural connection and I will wait for that. I will not make myself feel like had I been 15 pounds thinner, we would have connected more. I am going to really try to lose weight now but I also know that it wont' fundmentally change the way I connect with people. I am not going to think that if I had more or less anything things would have been different- I will not forget how really amazing I know I am. I know I am smart and interesting and engaging and fun and a sincerely good person who treats people well and I know I am authentic and very blessed. I have spectacular friends and an amazing family and I live in a neighborhood that I love and belong to a community that I cherish. I am really excited to start the Rape Crisis counseling and generally like school (although not the night before an exam) and I am good at it. None of this has changed because I didn't connect with Carl and he didn't admire me. i like my life, I created it for myself and I will not allow myself to doubt it based on nothing at all. Arnie's opinion, Carl's opinion-- they don't matter. My opinion matters.
I REFUSE, REFUSE, REFUSE to let Carl make me doubt myself. I know that if it's right there is nothing you can do it to screw it up and if it isn't there is nothing you can do it make it better. It just wasn't right with Carl - we didn't connect in person the way we had on the phone and if I feel like I wasn't charming and engaging- it was because he didn't elicit that in me. Which isn't to malign him - we just didn't connect in that way. I may respect him, but you can't force it. And I know that I really wouldn't want to- I want to meet someone with whom I have an effortless, natural connection and I will wait for that. I will not make myself feel like had I been 15 pounds thinner, we would have connected more. I am going to really try to lose weight now but I also know that it wont' fundmentally change the way I connect with people. I am not going to think that if I had more or less anything things would have been different- I will not forget how really amazing I know I am. I know I am smart and interesting and engaging and fun and a sincerely good person who treats people well and I know I am authentic and very blessed. I have spectacular friends and an amazing family and I live in a neighborhood that I love and belong to a community that I cherish. I am really excited to start the Rape Crisis counseling and generally like school (although not the night before an exam) and I am good at it. None of this has changed because I didn't connect with Carl and he didn't admire me. i like my life, I created it for myself and I will not allow myself to doubt it based on nothing at all. Arnie's opinion, Carl's opinion-- they don't matter. My opinion matters.
posted by Zoe at 12:26 AM
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