Looking in the mirror when I don't like what I see
Once Arnie asked me if I ever look in the mirror and think "damn i'm hot". I replied that I hadn't but I have looked and thought I was cute and he asked me for the most recent time which had been earlier that week-- now I can't remember when it has happened since that time. And I know my feelings about my appearance are very highly correlated with my attitude about my life and my self.
I'm really trying to re-engage with my life and get back in touch with this authentic sense of self that I felt like I had established. I was talking to T2GT and trying to determine how and when I lost my footing. When I started feeling like I wasn't in touch with my classes, my research, my community work, my identity and my life; when everything started feeling so ephemeral; what happened that made me feel so baseless and ungrounded? Even as I sit here and type this, i'm crying and I'm not sure why (it happened today in therapy - I was crying and I didn't feel like I could articulate or even identify a reason.. I guess I just felt lost and adrift. I hate that I feel this way and I don't want to and I don't want it to be true and I want to be able to make it go away and I guess I start to hibernate and regress and to move away from this feeling and basically try to stop feeling all together...which is clearly a really well- advised plan of action, not to mention always terribly successful.
Lilah called me on dissappearing and T2GT called me on lack of blogging (and while my computer cord has been up at the Bronx VA and I hve been more restricted vis a vis computer access, I have managed to to check email and if I wanted to acknowledge, explore and validate my thoughts and feelings I would have found a way to blog- but I guess typing them would make them real in a way that I didn't want to do). I've been attempting to take steps to re-engage with my life and there have been gestures from other people that have helped as well but I know that I need to check in here as well. This is one of the ways that I have built an personal and authentic sense of self.
So when did things shift for me- Black sunday? 2 and 1/2 weeks ago- there have been some really bright moments in the past 2 weeks (a few brilliant days) but the overall landscape has been bleak since then. The sunday that Konstantin got engaged, I found out that Will was getting engaged (as well as other random younger male cousin) and the night of the date with Carl. That is when things changed but I'm not sure why- I went to Konstantin's engagement party and I felt great - I looked cute and had a great time and hung out with my family. I felt a little off because it seemed like Konstantin had jumped ship to the conventional yacht and left me alone in my black sheep dinghy but I felt like I was rowing my dinghy and I was navigating (not to push the analogy) and I felt empowered, secure and confident. (I had spent Saturday at SAVI training, hung out with downtown crew at Sean's birthday party, studied on Sat night for the first time ever- well it was the first time that I actually got anything accomplished. I had studied a lot on Sunday and was feeling like Zoe the uber-student). I'm not sure if it was the less than stellar date with Carl or if it happened before I even met him, when I un-postponed the date or if was just processing all these engagements. I'm not sure how it happened but things changed and now I am trying to change them back.
Again, I'm going to trust T2GT (last time something like this happened I took his advice and it made a huge difference) - so I am going to re-connect with my community. I am going to start the application process for grad school, I am going to focus on my schoolwork for the next 4 weeks so that I can finish this semester with the grades that I know I can get and I am going to try to engage with my research. - I think that is what he told me to do (if I'm wrong- please correct me!)
I've spent a lot of the day studying for my neuroanatomy make-up test (the one I wouldn't need to take if I took the exam the week that Arnie left or if I had studied more the week of the make-up when I got together with Carl- notice a pattern?)-- I think dating has to go on the way back burner until finals are done and all my applications are in (about 6 weeks)
Months ago T2GT and I set my 30th birthday as a goal- I wanted to be where i wanted to be in my life and who I wanted to be and appropriately grown up for 30 by that date. I seemed poised to do it when we set the date- I was thinking about it earlier this week and felt like I was so far off course- I don't know that I can get there in 2 months but I would love to feel like I am really on my way.
Back to the spinal cord...(btw tears have totally subsided)
I'm really trying to re-engage with my life and get back in touch with this authentic sense of self that I felt like I had established. I was talking to T2GT and trying to determine how and when I lost my footing. When I started feeling like I wasn't in touch with my classes, my research, my community work, my identity and my life; when everything started feeling so ephemeral; what happened that made me feel so baseless and ungrounded? Even as I sit here and type this, i'm crying and I'm not sure why (it happened today in therapy - I was crying and I didn't feel like I could articulate or even identify a reason.. I guess I just felt lost and adrift. I hate that I feel this way and I don't want to and I don't want it to be true and I want to be able to make it go away and I guess I start to hibernate and regress and to move away from this feeling and basically try to stop feeling all together...which is clearly a really well- advised plan of action, not to mention always terribly successful.
Lilah called me on dissappearing and T2GT called me on lack of blogging (and while my computer cord has been up at the Bronx VA and I hve been more restricted vis a vis computer access, I have managed to to check email and if I wanted to acknowledge, explore and validate my thoughts and feelings I would have found a way to blog- but I guess typing them would make them real in a way that I didn't want to do). I've been attempting to take steps to re-engage with my life and there have been gestures from other people that have helped as well but I know that I need to check in here as well. This is one of the ways that I have built an personal and authentic sense of self.
So when did things shift for me- Black sunday? 2 and 1/2 weeks ago- there have been some really bright moments in the past 2 weeks (a few brilliant days) but the overall landscape has been bleak since then. The sunday that Konstantin got engaged, I found out that Will was getting engaged (as well as other random younger male cousin) and the night of the date with Carl. That is when things changed but I'm not sure why- I went to Konstantin's engagement party and I felt great - I looked cute and had a great time and hung out with my family. I felt a little off because it seemed like Konstantin had jumped ship to the conventional yacht and left me alone in my black sheep dinghy but I felt like I was rowing my dinghy and I was navigating (not to push the analogy) and I felt empowered, secure and confident. (I had spent Saturday at SAVI training, hung out with downtown crew at Sean's birthday party, studied on Sat night for the first time ever- well it was the first time that I actually got anything accomplished. I had studied a lot on Sunday and was feeling like Zoe the uber-student). I'm not sure if it was the less than stellar date with Carl or if it happened before I even met him, when I un-postponed the date or if was just processing all these engagements. I'm not sure how it happened but things changed and now I am trying to change them back.
Again, I'm going to trust T2GT (last time something like this happened I took his advice and it made a huge difference) - so I am going to re-connect with my community. I am going to start the application process for grad school, I am going to focus on my schoolwork for the next 4 weeks so that I can finish this semester with the grades that I know I can get and I am going to try to engage with my research. - I think that is what he told me to do (if I'm wrong- please correct me!)
I've spent a lot of the day studying for my neuroanatomy make-up test (the one I wouldn't need to take if I took the exam the week that Arnie left or if I had studied more the week of the make-up when I got together with Carl- notice a pattern?)-- I think dating has to go on the way back burner until finals are done and all my applications are in (about 6 weeks)
Months ago T2GT and I set my 30th birthday as a goal- I wanted to be where i wanted to be in my life and who I wanted to be and appropriately grown up for 30 by that date. I seemed poised to do it when we set the date- I was thinking about it earlier this week and felt like I was so far off course- I don't know that I can get there in 2 months but I would love to feel like I am really on my way.
Back to the spinal cord...(btw tears have totally subsided)
posted by Zoe at 7:30 PM
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