It's been a while

I guess I haven't been inspired to write. I haven't been avoiding it. I think I have just been working out some of this kind of stuff in my head or with conversations with friends or there hasn't been that much to report or work out. In the past week my mom has made some really horrific weight related comments but they don't have the same effect. At this point I collect them as fodder for funny stories to tell my friends not as fodder for painful stories to tell my therapist. I am now able to see that is HER problem, her pathology. I told Lilah that I wouldn't take it personally were someone who was afflicted with Tourette's kept calling me a "fucking bitch" - this is no different. And as I told Sam yesterday, I don't expect my mom to change- I have been saying that for years. Saying that I understand that my parents WILL NOT change and I have to change, I have to shift my expectations and reactions. I said it but I didn't stop dreaming in my heart of hearts that things would be different. I now realize that it is akin to wishing the sky would turn green. Clearly my wishing energy is best spent elsewhere. I will never be truly close with my parents. I will continue to have a "close" but very superficial relationship with them. Learning to accept that and to embrace the other people in my life who have stepped in to become my true intimates is really liberating. I think I also realized that I had this completely unrealistic perception of parents- they are not the ones who love you unconditionally- they couldn't as their egos are too tied up in your development. T2GT kept telling me that I had to seperate from my family and he had said that I had made a lot of progress but now I finally think I am here. I see that I can spend time with them and be "close" to them but I think I have really isolated my psychic space. I love Erin and Sophie but they are also products of that environment- they don't see my mother's "eating disorder" at all- how could they? They have inherited it to a lesser degree and since they are thin it doesn't hurt them. It took me 30 years to see it clearly and I was motivated by its effects on me. My parents will always be obsessed with my weight and it is THEIR problem. I refuse to keep going there with them. I am really trying to focus on my health and fitness and not a number on a scale. I want to feel good and I want to look good but I decided to stop weighing myself as I get obsessed and I decided not to talk about diets because it is boring!!! I am doing this for me and I don't want to be anxious about it. I don't want to be obsessed with it. I just don't want to feel gross after overeating or feel like I can't get my body to walk up stairs. I like pushing myself at the gym and I want to start running because I want to be healthy. I want to eat according to the vitamin guy because I feel good (physically and mentally) and I have energy and my skin clears up. I still want to be able to eat chocolate and ice cream sometimes and not feel guilty or "bad" about it and I think I am getting there. These are my goals for me- not to get a man or please my parents or fit into some gown at Holden's wedding.
I have also decided that I am done with casual play- it isn't what I am really looking for and it isn't in service of my goal. Sure it is fun and I think it was good for me for a while (it was what I wanted and I liked feeling sexy and I enjoyed it) but its time has passed. I want a relationship and I am willing to wait for play that is emotionally as well as physically intimate. I ahve no clue about how to look for a relationship and how to draw the line between proactive and desperate -- all comments and suggestions are welcome!