Questions and maybe some answers

What came first- T2GT told me that I am doing well and he asked me what role Arnie played in my well-being. I countered that I don't think I would have connected with Arnie at all if I wasn't feeling good about myself.
Arnie said he was sorry that I was cryiing and hurt and I countered that I am happy that I can feel- i would rather feel sad and know that I can feel - is that true?
I dont' think there is really anything else to say about Arnie- it just was - we dont' have to figure out why or what it was- it was and now it's not. He is a good guy and I think he really didn't want to hurt me adn I would think that knowing he is a god guy would make it worse because now I can't villify him and artificially make myself feel better- but I think it is a measure of my growth that I don't want to- I want to remember him as the sweet, sexy, smart guy he is, who entered my life for a brief while and I can be sad that it is over and value it on it's own terms.
I had a lovely lunch with Dani and we discussed relationships, sex, intimacy and letting people in among other things. I think I have been making the right choices for me recently and I think that I would have been OK with sleeping with Arnie, although I am happy that we didn't since he still is in love with someone else. I just don't think that sex is the big deal that I used to think it was, I think that I can sleep with someone other than my husband and I no longer expect to be my husband's first. Did I let Arnie in because i knew he was leaving? Did I really let him in at all?
I think going away for the weekend will be good for me as will driving back to NY on Monday night with my brothers. I love road trip with Will and Holden. On Tuesday I will have to get my car back from Arnie- maybe I will spend some time with him and maybe not. I would be happy to see him again and hang out with him but I will be OK if last night was the last night. Either way he is leaving on Tuesday and I wont' have any regrets. I am happy to have had this interlude and I think I will be ready to open myself up next time. Maybe I'll open up to Bernard- we'll see what happens. I think I am ready to let someone in and share my life with someone. It was nice to share myself with someone for a while. It was nice to share a bed with someone. It was nice to have someone in the other room while I studied yesterday and this morning. It was nice to learn about someone and allow myself to care about someone. It was nice to feel comfortable with someone and like I belonged for a little bit. I think I might be ready to be with someone and i think I have a lot to offer the right person. Maybe Bernard could be the right person and maybe I will be the right person soon or in a while. I don't know. I think I want to be in love- Dani told me it could really F--- you up and I know well enough that it isn't enough to make a relationship work but I think I would like to try, and maybe it will work and maybe it won't but I think I want to try it and if I get hurt, I get hurt. I think I would rather experience thiings and feel even if it means that i will get hurt rather than living in a bubble and protecting myself from getting hurt but then not getting to feel all the exquisite emotions life has to offer- including pain, i think I would prefer that to muted, bland experiences. I don't think I want that kind of life. It is safe and easy and painless but it isn't real and true and it isn't the way to live fully.