Over 6 months since my last post...

I don't know what happened, I just got busy with applications and finals and Holden's wedding and then it had been so long since I posted that I almost forgot that I used to do it. I'm not sure if I didn't need it or if I was avoiding it or if I wasn't inclined to broadcast my thoughts to (an admittedly meager) audience. I just didn't do it. There were a few times over the past couple of months when I considered blogging but I was never motivated enough to start. And even now, I am ambivalent about it, I have been thinking that it is time to start keeping journal again, at least for a little while, but I am not sure if it should be handwritten or typed, shared or not (although at this point my audience likely consists of one person and that is just because this is set up to be sent to his e-mail). I'll see. I may keep up with this or I may just type it up in word or I may go old-school. I'm not sure. I just know that it is time to start journaling in some form. And since it is 330 in the morning and I am not falling asleep this seemed like a good time to start. Of course, part or me wants to return to the book I was reading (Bright Early Morning by James Frey) and call this entry a fair comeback effort. But I think that it is the part of me that is avoiding writing and thinking about the stuff that makes me think that I should be doing this in the first place. Even now, I am thinking about writing about googling Arnie for the first time in months but I am pretty sure that when I was in bed last night, thinking that I need to start writing, I wasn't thinking about Arnie, who I haven't thought about in months but I guess I started thinking about this past week. Well that isn't exactly true- this week in therapy I was talking about men and my dad and my patterns and trying to break them. Since Wed morning I have been reviewing some of the men in my past and thinking about how they fit the pattern and I am not sure that Arnie does, which is why I suppose he stuck with me in some way. I think he represents a different aspect of my personal pathology. I think it is time to stop choosing men (unconsciously) who fit my weaknesses or patterns or fears. I want to truly start connecting with men and connecting with them for the right reasons. I want to stop being indifferent to someone until I think he is losing interest and then in my attempt to "woo" my father, start to chase him. I want to stop being afraid that if I really let someone in, he will find me wanting. He will judge me to be somehow "less than" in the same manner that my father makes me feel that he sees me. I know better. I am not less than. I am pretty fucking amazing and I worked so hard to get here. I refuse to let my perception of how my father sees me matter. If I am honest with myself, I don't really like him. So what he thinks shouldn't matter and quite frankly, even if I did like him, I am not sure that what he thinks should matter. I love my dad but I don't think he is a good person. Anyone who makes their daughter feel like shit about herself is not a good person. I spent all weekend with my family and there is all this evidence about how well liked and respected my dad is and all the good things he does, and I keep repeating in my head, "he is mean to you, anyone who is mean to their daughter is not a good person, not really." It hurts me to think it and say it and type it and now I have tears in my eyes- but are the tears real? or are they there because I think that daughters should be pained when thinking that their fathers are not good people?
I love my siblings and I love spending time with them but for the most part, I could really skip the parental hang out sessions. At least now. I was talking to Sophie (who is moving to Israel and my tears are very genuine when I consider not having her around next year and dating someone (I hope) who she won't meet until I am engaged or as good as (I made her promise to fly in when I get engaged and I made Alex promise to watch the kids. It is bad enough that Will may not be at my engagement party (to a man I haven't met) but the thought of having both will and Sophie absent hurts terribly) about eating healthy and feeling good and basically she was like you just have to get a hold on the emotional eating. And we were talking about triggers and I told her - Daddy, he is a major trigger. I don't think she noticed how mean he can be to me or how much it hurts me. And she asked me again why we don't go to family therapy and I told her that I don't think that he would. She claims that he would- which makes me wonder if I really want him to. Do I want to try to improve my relationship with him or do I really just want to try not to give a shit? It feels like the latter. Is it because I think it is easier? do I want to avoid engaging with him? Do I want to avoid hearing his gripes against me? Hearing him talk about why he is justified in treating me this way. Am I scared that it will hurt me? Am I scared that I will think he is right? Or do I just want to avoid hearing negative things about myself? Do I want to avoid taking responsibility for my role in our relationship? Do I prefer to just know my version so that I can continue to blame him and keep myself "pure"? The last response seems to resonate with me but I wonder if it is because I am so conditioned to think that I have done something wrong in his eyes and even as I try to emerge from that haze, it draws me in. Or do I not want to give up his financial support and I feel that if I really explore my relationship with him I will realize that I really have to do that. Why am I so reluctant to take out loans to pay for school and cover my rent? Sure, it makes life harder but I have chosen many times to make my life harder when there was a reward. Do I not want to remove the one thing that feels like my father's love even if it also feels like some sort of obligation? For instance, if I were financially independent would I wear pants in my parent's home? Would I still respect their boundaries or would I refuse to stop engaging in this farce?
I realize that regardless of my father's involvement in the process, I really need to work out my Daddy issues. I know that I thought that I worked them out before but if I am honest with myself, I realize had I worked them out, I would have a boyfriend. I think (and I may be completely wrong) that my last (but by no means minor) obstacle is my dad. It is hard for me to figure out what I want when part of me is attracted to men that my father would approve of and that part still needs his approval and part of me is attracted to men that my father would consider to be "slaps in the face" - in some way they are ways to rebel against him. I haven't been looking at it that way, I have been thinking that these men fit me, reflected my values and my choices but if that were true, I would have connected with one. I thought I figured out who I was and what I wanted and I think for a large part that is true, so I figured that I had to find a man who fit me as I chose her to be. But now as I look back I realize that there are all these ways in which my father loomed large (even with Arnie which I didn't see until a year and a half later- but he came from the kind of family that my dad would approve of and had the education that my dad had to respect but his lack of religious observance was a big fuck you to my dad- obviously it is more complicated than this but this is a new way to think about things). I am hoping that looking at things from this perspective will be useful and I will be able to excise my dad- or at least excise him enough so that I can connect with a man and have a boyfriend and get engaged and get married. I want to, I really do. I think I have everything else under control. I am ridiculously excited about starting school and I like my job (most of the time- no one like data entry), I love my apt and my roommate and my neighborhood, I have awesome friends and I feel like I am starting to recommit to eating well and exercising and generally I have been looking pretty cute (although I didnt feel that way today after I went shopping for a dress for Erin's engagement party- I just felt fat), the movie is coming along- not as quickly as I would like but it is coming along, I am starting training for a rape and incest hotline for the Orthodox community - usually, I am living the life that I choose, with friends whose values are the same as my own, feeling good about my life, my choices, the people in my world, confident that I am well-liked and for good reason. But I can't keep pretending that nothing is missing or the nothing that is missing will just come along (or will appear on jdate or sawyouatsinai). I also can't keep ignoring the fact that I am not taking care of my health- I don't need to be thin (but who am I kidding, once I start taking care of myself of course I would like to be thin) but I do need to feel good and I need to be healthy and fit. I just can't get obsessive and pathological (history of eating disorder and i know part of it never goes away, just lays in wait for its time to strike- but I have to stop avoiding engaging in the process, I have to have confidence that when I need to battle it, when it rises, I will be well-equipped to handle it. I can do this without becoming obsessive- or I will try and will try to continue to remain cognizant that it is an issue)
Ok seriously it is 415 and I have a full day starting at 740 tomorrow including Erin's engagment party that will likely be going until midnight, I really need to try to go to sleep again.