Day 7 almost done
So it's been almost 7 days without real food. 3 days left I guess.
In other news
-Isidore seems to have found himself a girlfriend and I know I really dont want him but that didnt mean I wanted him to stop wanting me- not fair I know.
- I've been thinking about Arnie- I dont think I miss him, I barely knew him- it was 3 weeks, months ago and while some things were great - it was far from ideal. I think i miss the way he made me feel sexy and I miss getting out of bed with someone and kissing them on the forehead and then heading off to school. I miss just being with someone and laying in bed just talking (and of course I miss the more than talking ;). What do I want? I should probably be able to define it before I go off and look for it.
-I'm trying to catch up a bit on my life, having been making some (very little) progress at the lab and have started re-engaging with Sinai stuff and I tried to get work done with Lia today (not very successfuly). I'm on call tomorrow night for SAVI but I totally haven't been participating in the downtown community (I stayed in all weekend with my lemonade and tea and didnt' make it to Jesse's dinner, Juliet's lunch or Dani's party), I've been sort of distanting myself from my life and haven't done anything for any community projects- including my film. I've been kind of self-absorbed in my own shell and retreat and avoiding my life I suppose. I didn't think my mom was right that I was gaining weight because I was depressed but maybe she was correct after all.
I think that I was so determined to be fine about Will's wedding because I wanted to be that girl who was fine that I didn't let myself feel upset so it was there, I just wasnt' feeling it. Wanting to be OK and not wanting to have to deal with it is far from a solution and know I am practically dreading Will's wedding and I feel terrible because this should be about him and not about me. I love him and I want him to be happy and I want to be able to enjoy this time with him - but I havent been able to. I have been going through some of the motions and skipping some of them as well.
I think it is kind of like the whole weight thing- I have been trying to make it not an issue in my life and I have been avoiding talking about it but it is always there. In some way it was always on my mind- in how I looked at other women, in how I avoided shopping unless absolutely neccesary at this size, in how I deliberately didn't look at fat and calorie counts on stuff I was eating because then it wouldn't be mindless, it's just been this presence and I dont want it to be anymore. It takes too much energy. I want to figure out what I want and how to be healthy and how to feel good consistently.
I miss me- I miss feeling connected to myself and feeling good about myself and part of me doesn't want to emerge from my cocoon of retreat but I can't stay there and continue to block out feeling.
In other news
-Isidore seems to have found himself a girlfriend and I know I really dont want him but that didnt mean I wanted him to stop wanting me- not fair I know.
- I've been thinking about Arnie- I dont think I miss him, I barely knew him- it was 3 weeks, months ago and while some things were great - it was far from ideal. I think i miss the way he made me feel sexy and I miss getting out of bed with someone and kissing them on the forehead and then heading off to school. I miss just being with someone and laying in bed just talking (and of course I miss the more than talking ;). What do I want? I should probably be able to define it before I go off and look for it.
-I'm trying to catch up a bit on my life, having been making some (very little) progress at the lab and have started re-engaging with Sinai stuff and I tried to get work done with Lia today (not very successfuly). I'm on call tomorrow night for SAVI but I totally haven't been participating in the downtown community (I stayed in all weekend with my lemonade and tea and didnt' make it to Jesse's dinner, Juliet's lunch or Dani's party), I've been sort of distanting myself from my life and haven't done anything for any community projects- including my film. I've been kind of self-absorbed in my own shell and retreat and avoiding my life I suppose. I didn't think my mom was right that I was gaining weight because I was depressed but maybe she was correct after all.
I think that I was so determined to be fine about Will's wedding because I wanted to be that girl who was fine that I didn't let myself feel upset so it was there, I just wasnt' feeling it. Wanting to be OK and not wanting to have to deal with it is far from a solution and know I am practically dreading Will's wedding and I feel terrible because this should be about him and not about me. I love him and I want him to be happy and I want to be able to enjoy this time with him - but I havent been able to. I have been going through some of the motions and skipping some of them as well.
I think it is kind of like the whole weight thing- I have been trying to make it not an issue in my life and I have been avoiding talking about it but it is always there. In some way it was always on my mind- in how I looked at other women, in how I avoided shopping unless absolutely neccesary at this size, in how I deliberately didn't look at fat and calorie counts on stuff I was eating because then it wouldn't be mindless, it's just been this presence and I dont want it to be anymore. It takes too much energy. I want to figure out what I want and how to be healthy and how to feel good consistently.
I miss me- I miss feeling connected to myself and feeling good about myself and part of me doesn't want to emerge from my cocoon of retreat but I can't stay there and continue to block out feeling.
posted by Zoe at 10:37 PM
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