Day 2 of Strength Training
I am more aware but I don’t know if that counts as progress. I am not sure that I have done anything to build strength or overcome weakness or anything of the sort. I slept later than I have all week (until about 10 or so) and hung out with my family. Helped set up for my cousin’s proposal, helped set up for the engagement party tomorrow and attempted to buy glasses (the store was closed) and babysat for Jamie. Shoot- I forgot to make the calls for the parlor meetings for the movie and now it is too late in NY. And I can’t call Sunday and then it is more Pesach. OK I am feeling really unreliable. This is a great start. Oh and I ate whatever I wanted today – so not really an auspicious beginning.
I know I have to do things that aren’t easy for me. Studying- I know how to do that, being patient- not so much. I let myself get thrown by the littlest things. I have to be able to handle more and keep my stride. I forgot how inspired I am by a friend of mine. She has really legitimate excuses not to work hard but she has a graduate degree from an Ivy League university and she is engaged and has a great (important- in the helping the world and making a difference sense of the word) job. And I haven’t even been that good of a friend to her because I have been busy with school and being sick and justified not making an effort with her and not following through. And I guess I didn’t remember how much I valued her and how inspiring a presence she could be in my life so I didn’t make an effort and I am sorry. Being preoccupied with my own life is no excuse. Pretending that it is an excuse is really just self-indulgent. Facing what I was doing and apologizing meant accepting responsibility and I wasn’t looking to shoulder blame so I didn’t allow myself to really feel bad about it. Being flaky is not OK. If I can’t make plans I shouldn’t make them and if I have to cancel it is better not to try to postpone the inevitable and try to avoid disappointing people- they will understand especially if it is done earlier rather than later. And if I can’t be somewhere there is no point to go and resent it- either go happily and graciously or cancel with appropriate apologies and lead-time. I think I have gotten better about overbooking myself but not better enough. I can’t schedule tons of plans so I feel popular and busy and be unrealistic about my time management.
What don’t I like about myself that I can change? Who do I want to be? Who can I be?
My cousin got engaged today to a 19 year old and they came over and they are adorable and happy and I want that. Not to be 19 and engaged but to be happy and feel secure with someone else. I was thinking about Arnie again- but really I was thinking about me – what I miss about him and what I want—I remember when he told me that I was distractingly beautiful and I keep him from doing his work. I want to be distracting to someone (obviously it meant something from him because he was occupying my thoughts as well). I miss feeling connected and having intimacy with someone and having someone think about me when I am not there. I want that. And I want it with a good man. My cousin who is my age is getting divorced from a man who apparently never treated her very well (and he is the one leaving her and her 2 children)- I don’t want to be in a lonely relationship or be with someone who doesn’t really see me. Although I am not sure how I can expect someone to see me when I am not sure that I really see myself.
I’ve been happy. I am not really sure how I got there and what happened to that state. Which makes it really difficult to figure out how to get back. I am not miserable and I have enjoyed parts of my trip. No misery, no real joy, no drama- how very boring. How very real life, I suppose. If I were strong, what would I do? It might just be time to figure it out. I’m fucking 30 years old and this is my life. Is this what I want my life to be? If not how do I get to where I want to be? I thought that parts of my life were what I wanted but now I am not so sure. It might be harder to piece this together when I am somewhat removed from my life in LA or that might be exactly the right time.
Honestly part of me wanted to tell Lilah to go fuck herself last night – that I am fine and happy and I do like myself. I am in grad school and I love the people in my life and my apt and I am a good person and I treat people with respect – so leave me alone and stop fucking projecting. Stop talking to me like I am a child or like I am your patient. But I couldn’t deny that I was crying and that I wasn’t feeling like I was happy and I liked myself even if I did feel that way a week or two ago. What changed in the past couple of weeks? I shifted the balance of power with Myron (away from me). She questioned my hooking up with him- was it what I wanted (I thought so) or a way to buy affection and even if it is what I wanted was it in service of my long term goals? I was strong with him – until I wasn’t. I was distant and put myself and my life first --until I didn’t. And not because he earned it; it was just because I liked him. I thought I had enough to offer without trying and I was worth waiting for and I could be unavailable and difficult because I wasn’t really interested in him and I had to focus on my life but then I liked him and I got impatient. And I don’t know if he is worth it- not because I suspect he doesn’t like me enough but because I don’t know him well enough to make that kind of judgment. I don’t know if he shifted things or too much family time shifted things. I was feeling securely attached to my family- I realized I was connected to them even when we were too busy to speak and we were seeing each other less frequently and then I started seeing them again all the time. I love them and I do feel like they love me for me but it gets hard for me sometimes. I am not sure why but I suppose it is comforting to be with them so being like them seems tempting and it seems easier. And that seems to get me in trouble- things that seem easier.
So the challenge is to like myself enough to expect people to take me or leave me as I am but still recognize the need to grow and change and attempt to do that as well. I suppose that growing up can make you more likable to yourself and more secure and then less affected by people accepting you and therefore less malleable and amorphous.
Recently the first good therapist emailed me to tell me that she was thinking about me and that she knows things will turn out for me because she always believed in my stars. (I have mentioned recently how much I love her and how much she helped me?) I want them to work out for me and I think I have to work on making sure that my stars are aligned rather than waiting for them to figure it out on their own- it’s been a long time waiting. If it’s not working it is probably time to shift the game plan.
Ok I think I am starting to bore myself, there is only so much introspection one can stomach in one sitting.
I know I have to do things that aren’t easy for me. Studying- I know how to do that, being patient- not so much. I let myself get thrown by the littlest things. I have to be able to handle more and keep my stride. I forgot how inspired I am by a friend of mine. She has really legitimate excuses not to work hard but she has a graduate degree from an Ivy League university and she is engaged and has a great (important- in the helping the world and making a difference sense of the word) job. And I haven’t even been that good of a friend to her because I have been busy with school and being sick and justified not making an effort with her and not following through. And I guess I didn’t remember how much I valued her and how inspiring a presence she could be in my life so I didn’t make an effort and I am sorry. Being preoccupied with my own life is no excuse. Pretending that it is an excuse is really just self-indulgent. Facing what I was doing and apologizing meant accepting responsibility and I wasn’t looking to shoulder blame so I didn’t allow myself to really feel bad about it. Being flaky is not OK. If I can’t make plans I shouldn’t make them and if I have to cancel it is better not to try to postpone the inevitable and try to avoid disappointing people- they will understand especially if it is done earlier rather than later. And if I can’t be somewhere there is no point to go and resent it- either go happily and graciously or cancel with appropriate apologies and lead-time. I think I have gotten better about overbooking myself but not better enough. I can’t schedule tons of plans so I feel popular and busy and be unrealistic about my time management.
What don’t I like about myself that I can change? Who do I want to be? Who can I be?
My cousin got engaged today to a 19 year old and they came over and they are adorable and happy and I want that. Not to be 19 and engaged but to be happy and feel secure with someone else. I was thinking about Arnie again- but really I was thinking about me – what I miss about him and what I want—I remember when he told me that I was distractingly beautiful and I keep him from doing his work. I want to be distracting to someone (obviously it meant something from him because he was occupying my thoughts as well). I miss feeling connected and having intimacy with someone and having someone think about me when I am not there. I want that. And I want it with a good man. My cousin who is my age is getting divorced from a man who apparently never treated her very well (and he is the one leaving her and her 2 children)- I don’t want to be in a lonely relationship or be with someone who doesn’t really see me. Although I am not sure how I can expect someone to see me when I am not sure that I really see myself.
I’ve been happy. I am not really sure how I got there and what happened to that state. Which makes it really difficult to figure out how to get back. I am not miserable and I have enjoyed parts of my trip. No misery, no real joy, no drama- how very boring. How very real life, I suppose. If I were strong, what would I do? It might just be time to figure it out. I’m fucking 30 years old and this is my life. Is this what I want my life to be? If not how do I get to where I want to be? I thought that parts of my life were what I wanted but now I am not so sure. It might be harder to piece this together when I am somewhat removed from my life in LA or that might be exactly the right time.
Honestly part of me wanted to tell Lilah to go fuck herself last night – that I am fine and happy and I do like myself. I am in grad school and I love the people in my life and my apt and I am a good person and I treat people with respect – so leave me alone and stop fucking projecting. Stop talking to me like I am a child or like I am your patient. But I couldn’t deny that I was crying and that I wasn’t feeling like I was happy and I liked myself even if I did feel that way a week or two ago. What changed in the past couple of weeks? I shifted the balance of power with Myron (away from me). She questioned my hooking up with him- was it what I wanted (I thought so) or a way to buy affection and even if it is what I wanted was it in service of my long term goals? I was strong with him – until I wasn’t. I was distant and put myself and my life first --until I didn’t. And not because he earned it; it was just because I liked him. I thought I had enough to offer without trying and I was worth waiting for and I could be unavailable and difficult because I wasn’t really interested in him and I had to focus on my life but then I liked him and I got impatient. And I don’t know if he is worth it- not because I suspect he doesn’t like me enough but because I don’t know him well enough to make that kind of judgment. I don’t know if he shifted things or too much family time shifted things. I was feeling securely attached to my family- I realized I was connected to them even when we were too busy to speak and we were seeing each other less frequently and then I started seeing them again all the time. I love them and I do feel like they love me for me but it gets hard for me sometimes. I am not sure why but I suppose it is comforting to be with them so being like them seems tempting and it seems easier. And that seems to get me in trouble- things that seem easier.
So the challenge is to like myself enough to expect people to take me or leave me as I am but still recognize the need to grow and change and attempt to do that as well. I suppose that growing up can make you more likable to yourself and more secure and then less affected by people accepting you and therefore less malleable and amorphous.
Recently the first good therapist emailed me to tell me that she was thinking about me and that she knows things will turn out for me because she always believed in my stars. (I have mentioned recently how much I love her and how much she helped me?) I want them to work out for me and I think I have to work on making sure that my stars are aligned rather than waiting for them to figure it out on their own- it’s been a long time waiting. If it’s not working it is probably time to shift the game plan.
Ok I think I am starting to bore myself, there is only so much introspection one can stomach in one sitting.
posted by Zoe at 3:11 AM
1 Comments:
i'm happy if you are. fyi, i would never speak to a child or a patient that way :) that kind of blunt talk is reserved for best friends :)
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