He is Just not that into me... and I am not into myself enough either
Myron didn't call last night. And then he was in neighborhood today and came over basically to tell me he didn't like me that much (phrased it differently of course) and essentially I told him we could be fuck buddies and we hooked up and he said he would call me later (for more of the same). After speaking to Lilah, Lia and Joan about it I have a few things to think about.
1- I still want to do this, as pathetic as that is, but I am really going to try not to do it. I used to want to make myself throw up- that was an addiction too. Just because I want something doesn't mean I should do it. This is not being strong. Welcome to self indulgent and weak and lazy and impatient and faithless.
2- He told me that he is incapable of getting hurt- and that should of scared me but I found it compelling. Also claims to be incapable of caring for someone else. I should be running for the hills- why am I not doing that?
3-I have stop being impatient, stop settling for feeling sexy and desirable instead of valued and adored, stop tryng to guarantee that someone will like me by hooking up with them (even if I want to- time to learn how to hold out)- let them get to know me and get to know them and we can both decide
4- Do I just want a fuck buddy or do I really hope that like Arnie we will feel connected to each other through hooking up? What do I want? Myron said he didnt' know what he wanted and responded that I didn't know either. Was I lying to him? to myself? In some ways I feel more like me and like I know myself and what I want better and in some ways I have no clue. Am I scared of a real relationship so I am pursuing this kind instead? If I am then what exactly am I scared of?
5- I need to believe in myself enough to know that someone will want to get to know me and will value what they find and will work for it and make time for it. No one is too busy to see someone they want to get to know.
And as much as I might want to tell myself differently (lying to myself - while I am very good at it- hasn't been serving me well) It's like when Harry met Sally- he just didn't want me.
6- Need to recognize and not justify rejection and then walk away. guys who are scared will have to be more scared to lose the oppurtunity to get to know me, guys who are busy will find time if they want to and no one takes dating so casually that they dont make any effort.
I can like him and he can not like me. It hurts - I need to feel it and move on instead of prolonging the agony. He is not the only guy out there. Not by a long shot.
I am humiliated to remember how I took whatever Caleb offered me and practically begged him to let me do it as I refused to acknowledge him rejecting me over and over. Walking away from him was one of the hardest and best things I did for myself- did I do it to get here?
time to think more of myself and have more faith and patience and self-worth.
1- I still want to do this, as pathetic as that is, but I am really going to try not to do it. I used to want to make myself throw up- that was an addiction too. Just because I want something doesn't mean I should do it. This is not being strong. Welcome to self indulgent and weak and lazy and impatient and faithless.
2- He told me that he is incapable of getting hurt- and that should of scared me but I found it compelling. Also claims to be incapable of caring for someone else. I should be running for the hills- why am I not doing that?
3-I have stop being impatient, stop settling for feeling sexy and desirable instead of valued and adored, stop tryng to guarantee that someone will like me by hooking up with them (even if I want to- time to learn how to hold out)- let them get to know me and get to know them and we can both decide
4- Do I just want a fuck buddy or do I really hope that like Arnie we will feel connected to each other through hooking up? What do I want? Myron said he didnt' know what he wanted and responded that I didn't know either. Was I lying to him? to myself? In some ways I feel more like me and like I know myself and what I want better and in some ways I have no clue. Am I scared of a real relationship so I am pursuing this kind instead? If I am then what exactly am I scared of?
5- I need to believe in myself enough to know that someone will want to get to know me and will value what they find and will work for it and make time for it. No one is too busy to see someone they want to get to know.
And as much as I might want to tell myself differently (lying to myself - while I am very good at it- hasn't been serving me well) It's like when Harry met Sally- he just didn't want me.
6- Need to recognize and not justify rejection and then walk away. guys who are scared will have to be more scared to lose the oppurtunity to get to know me, guys who are busy will find time if they want to and no one takes dating so casually that they dont make any effort.
I can like him and he can not like me. It hurts - I need to feel it and move on instead of prolonging the agony. He is not the only guy out there. Not by a long shot.
I am humiliated to remember how I took whatever Caleb offered me and practically begged him to let me do it as I refused to acknowledge him rejecting me over and over. Walking away from him was one of the hardest and best things I did for myself- did I do it to get here?
time to think more of myself and have more faith and patience and self-worth.
posted by Zoe at 5:36 PM
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