Last stop on the procrastination railroad
I really have to get work done as I have been avoiding it all weekend and I have exactly 7 hours until I have to leave to school with a completed presentation. But I felt like it was important to clear my head a bit first.
I spent the weekend sleeping more than I should and staying up later than I should and not getting work done or going out. I really didn't want to go tonight to the parlor meeting but I totally didn't have a choice. I am so happy I went (as I knew I would be). As we were educating this community about eating disorders i was repeatedly tempted to jump in and say "this is how it was/is for me". As I write this I am starting to cry as I think about all the ways in which we were discussing me tonight. The control, the stress triggers, using food as a stress release or affect regulator or feeling suppressor or to fill my up when I felt empty. And I was thinking about the comorbidity of bulimia and nymphomania (not that I think I am a nymphomaniac, exactly). But they are both borne of feeling empty and out of control and needing comfort or needing to suppress painful feelings or needing to feel something.
We were talking about the inherent dishonesty and secrecy, the need to be different. We discussed how this is a disorder that affects the best and the brightest. This is an illness for the overacheiver. And this is so related to poor self worth and depression and addiction and self injurious behaviors like cutting.
And I started thinking that it might be time to talk about it or maybe write about it in a more public forum. I have things to say and I hope my pain and experience can help others. Maybe I should write a piece for Jewish newspaper so people can know what their daughter, sister or friend might be going through. Maybe someone will recognize themself and feel less alone.
I think it was helpful to see that it is all part of this disorder - I'm not unique or special but i'm not alone. Lots of people go through the same things that I do.
It makes me sad that I am still dealing with this but pretending I am not doesn't make it go away. I want this to be productive, dealing with it, reflection rather than a destruction self rumination cycle.
I should really get to work, I am hoping that feeling empowered from going to the meeting as a producer of a documentary will give me focus and motivation to finish my presentation for tomorrow. Clearly I am hoping the rain will flood subway and school will be cancelled but I can't bank on that and I am actually interested in the topic. As I was driving Charlie to the meeting I was telling her about all the stuff I learned earlier in the day and it's cool. It is also related to the work I would be doing for the fellowship so I got more excited about that as well. Getting off this train at the neurochem depot.
I spent the weekend sleeping more than I should and staying up later than I should and not getting work done or going out. I really didn't want to go tonight to the parlor meeting but I totally didn't have a choice. I am so happy I went (as I knew I would be). As we were educating this community about eating disorders i was repeatedly tempted to jump in and say "this is how it was/is for me". As I write this I am starting to cry as I think about all the ways in which we were discussing me tonight. The control, the stress triggers, using food as a stress release or affect regulator or feeling suppressor or to fill my up when I felt empty. And I was thinking about the comorbidity of bulimia and nymphomania (not that I think I am a nymphomaniac, exactly). But they are both borne of feeling empty and out of control and needing comfort or needing to suppress painful feelings or needing to feel something.
We were talking about the inherent dishonesty and secrecy, the need to be different. We discussed how this is a disorder that affects the best and the brightest. This is an illness for the overacheiver. And this is so related to poor self worth and depression and addiction and self injurious behaviors like cutting.
And I started thinking that it might be time to talk about it or maybe write about it in a more public forum. I have things to say and I hope my pain and experience can help others. Maybe I should write a piece for Jewish newspaper so people can know what their daughter, sister or friend might be going through. Maybe someone will recognize themself and feel less alone.
I think it was helpful to see that it is all part of this disorder - I'm not unique or special but i'm not alone. Lots of people go through the same things that I do.
It makes me sad that I am still dealing with this but pretending I am not doesn't make it go away. I want this to be productive, dealing with it, reflection rather than a destruction self rumination cycle.
I should really get to work, I am hoping that feeling empowered from going to the meeting as a producer of a documentary will give me focus and motivation to finish my presentation for tomorrow. Clearly I am hoping the rain will flood subway and school will be cancelled but I can't bank on that and I am actually interested in the topic. As I was driving Charlie to the meeting I was telling her about all the stuff I learned earlier in the day and it's cool. It is also related to the work I would be doing for the fellowship so I got more excited about that as well. Getting off this train at the neurochem depot.
posted by Zoe at 12:24 AM
1 Comments:
Dear Zoe,
I think your documentary will be great and help many others. I read an artcle thar Rabbi Helfgot put out about coming public about his own batte with depression and how he needed to take time off from work and reorganize his life, about meeting his lovely wife and explaining to her about his condition and all the warmth and exceptenc eshe showed him. He is a well respecyted commuity leader. I read this artcle after a young girl I know committed suicide.This documentary will help people with eating disorders.
hang in their
queen
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