After the storm

There is nothing on the horizon. It has been almost a week since my date with Jeremy so I think I can safely assume that I won't be hearing from him. It has been over a week since my last phone tag with Seamus and I have suspended my Jdate membership. I don't think online dating is for me, probably because I only get contacted by weirdos and then ignored by promising guys. I am not expecting a call from any guy and no one has called recently to set me up with anyone. I think a dating hiatus (self imposed or otherwise) may be a good thing. I may need to recoup some of my emotional energy and perhaps (more than perhaps, definitely) lose some weight so that I re-enter with more of an advantage- apparently personality and brains and cuteness aren't enough without the nice body. I've been thinner and haven't had more success but maybe if I am more confident, further along in my career and thinner than things will be different. At least that is what T2GT tells me and I am inclined to think he is right. I ketp telling myself that it wasn't so much how I looked but how I felt about how I looked but I guess it is both- you have to look good and feel good. I dont' have to be thin but I have to leave overweight behind- a couple of months ago I saw pictures of myself from last summer and I certainly didnt' think I was thin then but I was struck by how good I looked in the pictures. I guess I have to get back to there and then remember how good I look. I can be sexy and smoldering and attractive (so promises T2GT) I just have to buckle down and drop some weight. I have an appt with DVG tomorrow, I hope that helps me to remotivate myself. I am waking up early to swim with Karen and I hope by starting the day off right, I will continue moving in that direction (as opposed to Sunday and Monday - I exercised and ate junk). I know that it isn't the diet, it is me making a commitment to myself. I kept thinking that I would lose the weight when I was ready but I have to remember that just because I think I am ready the weight won't slip off, I still have to work really hard to get rid of it. I hope I am ready to be thin or thinner. I hope I can do this and stick to it and figure out who I am and what I want and who I want to be with and make progress with school and research and be well on my way by my 30th birthday. To do that I can't take days off like I did today. I can't reschedule research meetings or lab work. I think it is best to take focus off dating for a while and turn it back on me. Maybe then when I start dating again I can be sure that I am not scared of being in a relationship or letting someone get to know me or adjusting myself to fit them or screwing it up in some other way. I want to be confident that someone will pursue me, someone I respect and want will be proactive with me and will make time for me.