Oops I think I'm a slut
I went out with RCPAS set up last night. We had a nice phone conversation and he seemed really nice. We made plans to go to the beach. I love the beach at night and it was so hot last night. The plans were relaxed and spontaneous and casual. We dressed for the beach and I picked him up after my SAVI interview. He is really nice and he brought drinks, snacks, water to wash the fruit, towels and beach balls. He seems to really like me. He told me how cute I am and he asked me when he could see me again. When we were lying on the beach, looking at the stars, he asked me if he could kiss me and I said OK. He was really into it and told me how much he wanted me and told me that I was a really good kisser. I was fairly indifferent. I didn't allow him to go any farther and I could have stopped at any time and quite frankly, was ready to stop before we actually stopped. He told me that he could kiss me all night. He is so nice and he likes me, although I told him that he doesn't even know me. He is a good guy and he wants a relationship and wants to commit to someone and seems to be someone who is willing to work on a relationship. We made plans to go to a movie on Sunday night and he called me today to check in and said he would call again on Friday. I know I should like him but I don't. When I spoke to him today I was ready to get off the phone the whole time and I don't much care if I see him on Sunday or if he calls on Friday. He is exactly what I think I should want, he is intelligent and cultured and ambitious and hard working and responsible and so nice and I am bored and indifferent. It's like Harry said (see what women want)women say they want someone to treat them well but then they like the guys who treat them poorly. RCPAS (he is actually some kind of analyst, he just got his CPA so that he would always have a back up)is really into it and clearly spoke to people at work about our date (he called me again later in the day to ask me the breed of dog we saw on the beach as he was telling people about it)and instead of thinking about him, I am still thinking about DWLI3. It is so messed up. Do I not respect anyone who wants me? Am I still a member of the Groucho club? Do I just think he is ordinary? Am I not excited that he likes me because I feel like he doesn't know me? That doesn't seem quite right because I would be excited that he liked me if I liked him too.
Years ago I overheard DWLI3's ex talking about how she is always attracted to these guys who are larger than life and it never works out very well. Is that my problem too? Am I still looking for a trophy boyfriend to validate me? I honestly don't think so because I think I am finally feeling confident enough to recognize that I can stand on my own. I am excited about my school and work at Sinai and training for Rape advocacy program and moving forward with my Eating Disorder project and I think I am fun and I like my friends. I don't think I am looking to be validated by someone else. I felt like I made a breakthrough last summer when I dated Jack because he was not a trophy boyfriend and I really liked him. He was completely different than I expected and I would have dated him. I realized that I represent myself just fine, I don't need anyone else to do that for me.
Why don't I want what is good for me? Maybe there just isn't real chemistry with RCPAS. It is not that I am not particularly interested in what he has to say, I am also not particularly interested in what I have to say when I am with him.
Yesterday a woman from my neighborhood called to set me up with RTSS (Random Thoracic Surgeon set up) who is 35- that is about the sum total of the information I have about him- I told her that she can give him my number.
I am going to give RCPAS a chance and see if I start to like him, i know I should like him, I think he would be good to me. We'll see how it goes.
Years ago I overheard DWLI3's ex talking about how she is always attracted to these guys who are larger than life and it never works out very well. Is that my problem too? Am I still looking for a trophy boyfriend to validate me? I honestly don't think so because I think I am finally feeling confident enough to recognize that I can stand on my own. I am excited about my school and work at Sinai and training for Rape advocacy program and moving forward with my Eating Disorder project and I think I am fun and I like my friends. I don't think I am looking to be validated by someone else. I felt like I made a breakthrough last summer when I dated Jack because he was not a trophy boyfriend and I really liked him. He was completely different than I expected and I would have dated him. I realized that I represent myself just fine, I don't need anyone else to do that for me.
Why don't I want what is good for me? Maybe there just isn't real chemistry with RCPAS. It is not that I am not particularly interested in what he has to say, I am also not particularly interested in what I have to say when I am with him.
Yesterday a woman from my neighborhood called to set me up with RTSS (Random Thoracic Surgeon set up) who is 35- that is about the sum total of the information I have about him- I told her that she can give him my number.
I am going to give RCPAS a chance and see if I start to like him, i know I should like him, I think he would be good to me. We'll see how it goes.
posted by Zoe at 1:57 PM
2 Comments:
Oh, so much to say, where to begin.
Well, I'll start by being mothering...
1) isn't it a little risky to be describing these dates and feelings in such detail when your date could find out about it. He might feel his privacy is compromised. Alternatively, you should take his feelings into consideration should the relationship ever blossom into something meaningful. I recognize that you have not said anything offensive, but some of these opinions could be hurtful if they got out. (Note, I realize that you are using pseudenyms (sp??) but if you end up with analyst with a CPA degree we will have plenty of private information about him). As a personal note, I had a pretty serious arguement with Sally's mother when I told her that I did not feel comfortable with the level of disclosure that Sally previously had with her. That now, Sally's disclosure's were my disclosures and I hoped that Sally and her mother would respect my privacy.
Now on to the juicy stuff ...
I think you are taking the right approach to this guy. Not that you want or need my approval but since you referenced me I thought I could/should at least weigh in. I think you are doing the right thing by giving it another couple of chances. As to this fellow, it is funny how similar our minds think sometimes. Before I even got to your feelings about the guy I had the word VANILLA flashing in bright lights before my eyes. Now that probobly came through in your tone but still there's no mystery there. My suggestion is to get really drunk together and let the inhibitions fall. True, depending on where the date heads you might feel you are an even bigger slut than before but you also might get to see a lot more raw personality from your date. Go somewhere private and try to drink him under the table, maybe while playing a board game. Maybe his competitive nature will spark something. As to the whole groucho marx club and seeking trophy significant others, I think it is a lot more complex than you make it. For one thing I think people seek both, a trophy and someone that they really love. I think physical attraction is a really big thing in a relationship, oops gotta run we will talk more in person in you are interested
Thanks for caring enough to mother me, god knows my mother will never be reading this.
no worries about ending up with RCPAS and I will try to aliases to the boys/men that will be harder to identify with them, should you ever meet them.
would love to talk to you about Vanilla- which we both know, need not be boring, groucho and the rest of my issues
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