Surfing the Crimson Tide (shout out to clueless- one of life's guilty pleasures)
I hate this time of month. I know that by tomorrow I will be feeling a lot better but right now I just hate the cramps and I hate how crazy I get before I get my period. I have been happy for the most part recently and I had a good week but I got way more irritable and impatient than I usually do and I tend to have worse impulse control (particularly regarding drunk texting and the like). Right now I am just really bloated and uncomfortable. At least it explains why I felt really munchy on Thursday night. I have been eating better for the most part and exercising - not as much as I might like but I definitely have been making it more a part of my routine. I even went on Friday with Lois.
To be filed under big news- I had my first session with a patient on Thursday and I have my first supervision on Monday to be followed by an assessment of another potential patient - Yay! It really feels like I am on my way. I have been making progress with the film and spent the whole day on Wednesday at a big residential eating disorder facility- it was really nice that they were so inviting and gave us full access. They are really supportive of the project which feels pretty validating. I have been working on trying to secure more funding for the film and to raise money to help support one of the survivors while she is inpatient this month. I offered to drive her down to the facility but she insists that she prefers to go in alone. So I sent her flowers to be delivered on Monday when she arrives and will bring her a journal or something when we go to film on Tuesday. I am proud of myself and I feel like I have really been a good and supportive friend - I have been helping Lilah with her wedding stuff as best I can, I have been helping Vinny get job interviews and connections in NY, I have been doing Lois's dishes so that she and Clark don't fight over who does them, I invited Izzy to come out with us tonight since he just broke up with his girlfriend and I think he needs to meet some new people- and we are not even friends, I have been working on setting up Sam and Sarah and it isn't just because of the game. But I have not been doing anything in a way that is a sacrifice- I have been enjoying my friends and my summer and being able to help them when I can and just spend time with them. It's good- I like the people in my life and I feel like I like myself (I don't particularly enjoy feeling bloated but that will pass).
In guy news (or what Sam would call- Mandate). I went on a third date with Wally and I think I might like him but I am not sure if I just like how much he likes me. I'm honestly not sure. I like that he treats me well and I like that he really just seems to like me. He could care less about my accomplishments and the things that Lilah might say that I have felt the need to broadcast in the past- he genuinely just enjoys spending time with me. I emailed him on Wednesday after our date to thank him for dinner since we went to an expensive restaurant that I enjoyed and that he didn't and he responded- "Hun, it could have been dogshit and it would have been worth it. Thanks for lighting up and being so wonderful. See in you in balt." Except that he won't see me here since his dad had surgery on Friday and he won't be coming to meet me here as planned. He was going to come down tonight and then drive me to a meeting in Philly and then we would spend the day there before driving back to NY. I obviously understand his need to be with his family and I respect it (and would probably ultimately lost a lot of respect for him if he came down tonight) but I was disappointed and felt rejected on some irrational level. And I was also immaturely feeling somewhat like I should disappoint him too in some way. Obviously I was only supportive and understanding when communicating with him. But I wonder if it wasn't at least part of the reason that I kissed this guy (or let him kiss me) on Thursday and Friday nights. This friend of Lois's likes me and kept coming over to see me and I had kissed him last time I was down here so I did it again. I don't think that Wally and I are exclusively dating and intend on meeting these two guys from Jdate over the next couple of weeks unless things progress with Wally before then and I think that I am still in some ways experimenting with my sexual power and boundaries. It was good to kiss Andy (as in Roddick as he is a younger tennis pro) and stop there. It was good to do what I wanted and then not do anything else. Not feel pressured to do more because some guy wanted to- I guess it could make me feel like a slut, but it doesn't. And on some level, I know that this is exactly what I should have been doing in high school and college but at that time I was too busy being the good religious girl and I was too busy being convinced that I wasn't beautiful or good enough in some way so I am doing it now. And maybe I should skip this stage since I am 31 but I don't think that I need to. Sarah and I were talking about how we wish we were younger so that we had the time to do the stuff we should have been doing when we were younger- well I'm not younger so I am just going to accelerate the process and consolidate all that time into this period. I feel like I am figuring out the things that I need to figure out and it feels right to me. OK sometimes I do things I am not especially proud of (see above drunk texting) but for the most part I am OK with this process and it just feels like an appropriate part of my life. Not the only thing that is going on but just another part of my life to enjoy like school, my friends, my family and my externship and my movie and living with Emmet in our great downtown apt (I was tempted to say phat downtown pad but I recognize that I can't really pull that off).
To be filed under big news- I had my first session with a patient on Thursday and I have my first supervision on Monday to be followed by an assessment of another potential patient - Yay! It really feels like I am on my way. I have been making progress with the film and spent the whole day on Wednesday at a big residential eating disorder facility- it was really nice that they were so inviting and gave us full access. They are really supportive of the project which feels pretty validating. I have been working on trying to secure more funding for the film and to raise money to help support one of the survivors while she is inpatient this month. I offered to drive her down to the facility but she insists that she prefers to go in alone. So I sent her flowers to be delivered on Monday when she arrives and will bring her a journal or something when we go to film on Tuesday. I am proud of myself and I feel like I have really been a good and supportive friend - I have been helping Lilah with her wedding stuff as best I can, I have been helping Vinny get job interviews and connections in NY, I have been doing Lois's dishes so that she and Clark don't fight over who does them, I invited Izzy to come out with us tonight since he just broke up with his girlfriend and I think he needs to meet some new people- and we are not even friends, I have been working on setting up Sam and Sarah and it isn't just because of the game. But I have not been doing anything in a way that is a sacrifice- I have been enjoying my friends and my summer and being able to help them when I can and just spend time with them. It's good- I like the people in my life and I feel like I like myself (I don't particularly enjoy feeling bloated but that will pass).
In guy news (or what Sam would call- Mandate). I went on a third date with Wally and I think I might like him but I am not sure if I just like how much he likes me. I'm honestly not sure. I like that he treats me well and I like that he really just seems to like me. He could care less about my accomplishments and the things that Lilah might say that I have felt the need to broadcast in the past- he genuinely just enjoys spending time with me. I emailed him on Wednesday after our date to thank him for dinner since we went to an expensive restaurant that I enjoyed and that he didn't and he responded- "Hun, it could have been dogshit and it would have been worth it. Thanks for lighting up and being so wonderful. See in you in balt." Except that he won't see me here since his dad had surgery on Friday and he won't be coming to meet me here as planned. He was going to come down tonight and then drive me to a meeting in Philly and then we would spend the day there before driving back to NY. I obviously understand his need to be with his family and I respect it (and would probably ultimately lost a lot of respect for him if he came down tonight) but I was disappointed and felt rejected on some irrational level. And I was also immaturely feeling somewhat like I should disappoint him too in some way. Obviously I was only supportive and understanding when communicating with him. But I wonder if it wasn't at least part of the reason that I kissed this guy (or let him kiss me) on Thursday and Friday nights. This friend of Lois's likes me and kept coming over to see me and I had kissed him last time I was down here so I did it again. I don't think that Wally and I are exclusively dating and intend on meeting these two guys from Jdate over the next couple of weeks unless things progress with Wally before then and I think that I am still in some ways experimenting with my sexual power and boundaries. It was good to kiss Andy (as in Roddick as he is a younger tennis pro) and stop there. It was good to do what I wanted and then not do anything else. Not feel pressured to do more because some guy wanted to- I guess it could make me feel like a slut, but it doesn't. And on some level, I know that this is exactly what I should have been doing in high school and college but at that time I was too busy being the good religious girl and I was too busy being convinced that I wasn't beautiful or good enough in some way so I am doing it now. And maybe I should skip this stage since I am 31 but I don't think that I need to. Sarah and I were talking about how we wish we were younger so that we had the time to do the stuff we should have been doing when we were younger- well I'm not younger so I am just going to accelerate the process and consolidate all that time into this period. I feel like I am figuring out the things that I need to figure out and it feels right to me. OK sometimes I do things I am not especially proud of (see above drunk texting) but for the most part I am OK with this process and it just feels like an appropriate part of my life. Not the only thing that is going on but just another part of my life to enjoy like school, my friends, my family and my externship and my movie and living with Emmet in our great downtown apt (I was tempted to say phat downtown pad but I recognize that I can't really pull that off).
posted by Zoe at 8:48 PM
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