Ugh guys

I suppose dating can be fun, I just have to get better at it. I was fine tonight because I wasn't that into him. I didn't care what he thought so I was just myself and he really liked me. He wants to see me again and is clearly interested. He has potential so I'll see him again next week (and then it will be worth 2 points in the dating game). I have been corresponding with two guys on Jdate as well. And I mostly feel good so I don't know why I'm kind of bummed about the guy from this past weekend. I don't know what I want from him and I know that all I need to know at this point is if we want to see each other again, and I know that I do. It's just not clear when he will be back in town and I'm not sure what he wants from me. I told him I had a date tonight when he was asking about my plans and he was basically like "have a great time". It made me upset but I guess that I would have said the same thing if he told me he had a date. I think at this point I would like to date him non-exclusively but I'm not sure if he just wants to be friends or not. I know he thinks I'm smart and interesting but I'm not sure that he thinks I am pretty and I'm not sure what he wants. This guy tonight was totally on the same page as me in terms of his religious observance and is fairly established in his career- both of which were potential future issues with the other one. But I don't know if those are dealbreakers- I'm pretty sure that they aren't to me and at least I wanted to find out. Vinny (I think we might be up to V) is such a fundamentally decent person with strong moral character and just a truly fine person. You just know that he will make a wonderful husband and father and he seems to be a fantastic human being. I also feel like we are really intellectually compatible and share a lot of interests. I don't know...I know if he likes me he will behave as if he does and I won't have to do anything about it. So I really don't have to worry, he will make himself clear soon enough - doing nothing will be clear sign as well. I'm not very good at being patient and just sitting and waiting. Although I know that a guy won't even know he likes you until he has to work for you. This guy tonight waited for me for 25 minutes while I got stuck in training and is excited to see me again. As my dad says- it the way for a man to conquer a woman and not a woman to conquer a man but I guess it just makes me feel like I'm playing games. But I have to get over that as it hasn't been getting me what I want- so I'll have to try another way. The truth is I finally feel like I know what I am worth and I know how amazing I am and I am not going to be with someone who doesn't absolutely know that as well. I don't think I would be interested in Vinny if I didnt' think he didn't appreciate me for the right reasons- which of course doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to date me. And the guy from tonight, Wally is already IMing me and I feel suffocated a bit. I don't think that it is a Groucho complex or wanting only I what I am not sure I can have. It might just be that I'm not that interested - I'm not sure. Maybe we only value what we have to work for- I just don't know. Maybe in some ways Vinny just seemed more sincerely interested in me as a person. We'll see. I'm kind of getting bored of thinking about guys already. But other stuff that I can control (and some which I can't like Elle getting into school and Sarah's promotion) are good. I've been eating well and exercising and generally just good.
I'm meeting with someone who goes to my school to get the inside scoop and get camping gear for this weekend. Hopefully I will work out some more details on my externship as well. Tomorrow night I am going with a bunch of people to see "title of show" and then maybe gay birthday dance party. I like my life, I like the things I do and I am happy that I am getting focused on getting in shape again. I feel like I am doing it for the right reasons and I am doing it for me. Hopefully that will help me stay there this time. I think I really feel like I have everything going for me and it is all in place and I have so much to offer and I finally feel like I am pretty but I want my body to be tighter- I don't need to be thin but I want to be tight. I don't want to feel like a guy is overlooking my weight because there is so much else there and I don't want to have to worry about what he feels when he touches me and I know that I like touching a hard, smooth body so I get that other people do as well. I'd love to feel really hot at Erin's wedding and Lilah's wedding and I would like to feel like I look healthy when presenting at the conference. I do feel like I have been looking pretty good- I just want to look better and I want to be healthy and in shape. Meeting with the trainer and swimming should definitely help with that. Ok I have to edit Emmet's paper and go to sleep.