I hate ruminating.
I know how to be single, I have actually mastered that pretty well and I know how to be in a relationship (it's been a while but I think I would be really good at that) but this negotiating in between- this I don't know how to do. I can be really smart when advising others about it but for me, well not so much. I think I let my anxiety and distaste for ambiguity get in my way. I keep trying to remind myself that I KNOW i'm pretty great and I don't know that about him. I'm proud of who I am and confident in a way that I don't think I have ever been before so I am not going to obsess over some guy I barely know and worry about whether or not he likes me. I'm not sure he is even a good idea and now it looks like he may not even be moving to NY. In any event, Lois had a great point today- at this point all I need to know is do I want to see him again- and the answer is yes and if he wants to see me again he will. That is all I am going to think about - or try not to think about. I think this is what the rabbi was talking about when he said I was afraid to get married- I like my life and I am comfortable, I am afraid to be vulnerable and engage in something that I can't control. I don't want to get mixed up with ambiguity- I would prefer certainty even if it is a No. I don't trust myself not to revert back to my old slightly desperate behavior if I think I like someone. In some ways, I am scared that all I have gained over the past few years- all my strength and confidence will not help me here. And in some ways I already see that I have brought my strength and confidence with me but if you are doing the same things but for different reasons or while coming from a different place (offering help from strength as a way to help not from desperation as a way to buy affection or attachment)does it really matter? Is it the action or the intention that trumps?
I joined a pool today- that should definitely help clear my head. It always helps me get back to center. Now I just have to buy a bathing cap and I can start swimming tomorrow. I went to gym today and met with a trainer and did cardio, I also made appointments for later this week. And I only ate when I was really hungry and I tried to make good choices, I feel like I will get back to the tighter version of me soon enough. It's good, it makes me feel good and strong. For instance, the woman at the desk at the pool was in a really angry mood and instead of responding in kind I asked her if she was OK and if she needed a minute before she helped me. By the time I left we had shaken hands and exchanged smiles and names. I left remembering why I really like myself.
I also spoke to the director of clinical training at school and expressed my concerns about my externship placement. I didn't feel like I was particularly articulate but I checked in with a bunch of my classmates via email and it seems like no one was that much better. The major problem is that we don't have that much information but I suppose one of my classmates was right when he said it is just once a week for a year. This will not be my only clinical training.
Dinner with Sarah tonight was so much fun. I have really missed her. Hopefully her work schedule is clearing up a bit and I will get to see more of her. We were lamenting the fact that we didnt have the same confidence at 23 as we have now. We didn' know how cute we were then but we know it now so I suppose that is good enough. I feel like for the most part things are really coming together for both of us, things we have worked on for a long time are coming together. It's great- as was the wine at dinner.
Tried to help Lilah today with furniture shopping and registering but shopping is not really my forte. It was nice to spend some time with her though and I am happy to help her out as best I can, as long as I am available.
Other than that I have just been trying to catch up on movie stuff and work stuff. I have meetings for both tomorrow and I am taking one of the eating disorder survivors from the film to a movie. Hopefully I will also get to see this project that Sarah has been working on and meet either Joanie or Grace for dinner. And I have to talk to one of the downtown guys who is organizing camping trip for 30 of us this weekend. I haven't been camping in quite some time and I am kind of excited and partly unsure about what to expect, especially since I have never been camping over Shabbat. Should be fun though.
I joined a pool today- that should definitely help clear my head. It always helps me get back to center. Now I just have to buy a bathing cap and I can start swimming tomorrow. I went to gym today and met with a trainer and did cardio, I also made appointments for later this week. And I only ate when I was really hungry and I tried to make good choices, I feel like I will get back to the tighter version of me soon enough. It's good, it makes me feel good and strong. For instance, the woman at the desk at the pool was in a really angry mood and instead of responding in kind I asked her if she was OK and if she needed a minute before she helped me. By the time I left we had shaken hands and exchanged smiles and names. I left remembering why I really like myself.
I also spoke to the director of clinical training at school and expressed my concerns about my externship placement. I didn't feel like I was particularly articulate but I checked in with a bunch of my classmates via email and it seems like no one was that much better. The major problem is that we don't have that much information but I suppose one of my classmates was right when he said it is just once a week for a year. This will not be my only clinical training.
Dinner with Sarah tonight was so much fun. I have really missed her. Hopefully her work schedule is clearing up a bit and I will get to see more of her. We were lamenting the fact that we didnt have the same confidence at 23 as we have now. We didn' know how cute we were then but we know it now so I suppose that is good enough. I feel like for the most part things are really coming together for both of us, things we have worked on for a long time are coming together. It's great- as was the wine at dinner.
Tried to help Lilah today with furniture shopping and registering but shopping is not really my forte. It was nice to spend some time with her though and I am happy to help her out as best I can, as long as I am available.
Other than that I have just been trying to catch up on movie stuff and work stuff. I have meetings for both tomorrow and I am taking one of the eating disorder survivors from the film to a movie. Hopefully I will also get to see this project that Sarah has been working on and meet either Joanie or Grace for dinner. And I have to talk to one of the downtown guys who is organizing camping trip for 30 of us this weekend. I haven't been camping in quite some time and I am kind of excited and partly unsure about what to expect, especially since I have never been camping over Shabbat. Should be fun though.
posted by Zoe at 1:44 AM
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