A more productive study break than TV
I'm trying to get work done and I am making some progress but I am not nearly as focused as I would like to be. I didn't get anything done on Thursday night or Friday and I started later today than I would have liked. I made myself a study schedule on Thursday night and clearly I am totally behind. I did start taking care of some application stuff- with some schools I have more leeway than I thought and with a couple of schools I have less leeway than I anticipated.
I had my very last training for SAVI today and next month i start being on call. I'm really excited about it and kind of nervous but I have to say that I really like all the people who are involved with SAVI. The training has been a really postive and inspiring experience.
I've been OK recently- not great, not energized or enthusiastic and not depressed. I have been functioning for the most part but I am just kind of sad. I think I am just kind of lonely. I have friends and family and I love them but I want a boyfriend and i hate that I want one. I hate that I dont' feel cool, confident and independent. I haven't heard from Daryl and it bothers me. I think that it isn't about being into him, it's about me. It is about feeling rejected and alone in some way. Totally sucks to feel this way. T2GT tells me that it is progress because I am feeling it and acknowledging it without hibenating and dissassociating (I like hibernating and disassociating- they are my friends, growing up totally sucks). And I haven't been feeding my loneliness or vomiting it up. I know that it will pass and I know how to make myself feel better for short periods of time.
I'm just sad and I hate that I feel this way. I hate that it hurts me to watch Alex and Sophie build their family and watch Will get excited to start his life with Meg and watch Konstantin get engaged and while I don't want any of their lives, I want my life to be different. I dont' want to be single and going out tonight and getting drunk isn't going to change that even if I feel better momentarily. I spent time this weekend with Stella and other downtown folk and I love them and I feel so comfortable with them and I feel like I am living my life, the life I chose but I don't want my life to be without a man anymore and I wish that it didn't bother me. I dont feel like I am having a crisis of confidence. It is more like a crisis of faith.
I guess I have been avoiding writing this blog even though this has been on my mind since Wednesday because I didn't really want to concretize it. I guess I hoped it would go away and while it has been there it is only when I started typing and working it out that I started to cry. I've been mellow and sort of on "off" most of the week.
I think I rocked my neuro make-up and I have started to study for the final (although I don't think I have been studying that productively). I should go take a shower and have a coffee and start summarizing the journal articles that I am using for my paper that is due on Tuesday.
In other good news from the week I am starting another project at Sinai and I will have the oppurtunity to write a section of a paper on the work we are doing.
I have some random notes that I jotted down on monday and wednesday night as I was going to sleep- i'll type them up during my next break.
I had my very last training for SAVI today and next month i start being on call. I'm really excited about it and kind of nervous but I have to say that I really like all the people who are involved with SAVI. The training has been a really postive and inspiring experience.
I've been OK recently- not great, not energized or enthusiastic and not depressed. I have been functioning for the most part but I am just kind of sad. I think I am just kind of lonely. I have friends and family and I love them but I want a boyfriend and i hate that I want one. I hate that I dont' feel cool, confident and independent. I haven't heard from Daryl and it bothers me. I think that it isn't about being into him, it's about me. It is about feeling rejected and alone in some way. Totally sucks to feel this way. T2GT tells me that it is progress because I am feeling it and acknowledging it without hibenating and dissassociating (I like hibernating and disassociating- they are my friends, growing up totally sucks). And I haven't been feeding my loneliness or vomiting it up. I know that it will pass and I know how to make myself feel better for short periods of time.
I'm just sad and I hate that I feel this way. I hate that it hurts me to watch Alex and Sophie build their family and watch Will get excited to start his life with Meg and watch Konstantin get engaged and while I don't want any of their lives, I want my life to be different. I dont' want to be single and going out tonight and getting drunk isn't going to change that even if I feel better momentarily. I spent time this weekend with Stella and other downtown folk and I love them and I feel so comfortable with them and I feel like I am living my life, the life I chose but I don't want my life to be without a man anymore and I wish that it didn't bother me. I dont feel like I am having a crisis of confidence. It is more like a crisis of faith.
I guess I have been avoiding writing this blog even though this has been on my mind since Wednesday because I didn't really want to concretize it. I guess I hoped it would go away and while it has been there it is only when I started typing and working it out that I started to cry. I've been mellow and sort of on "off" most of the week.
I think I rocked my neuro make-up and I have started to study for the final (although I don't think I have been studying that productively). I should go take a shower and have a coffee and start summarizing the journal articles that I am using for my paper that is due on Tuesday.
In other good news from the week I am starting another project at Sinai and I will have the oppurtunity to write a section of a paper on the work we are doing.
I have some random notes that I jotted down on monday and wednesday night as I was going to sleep- i'll type them up during my next break.
posted by Zoe at 9:22 PM
1 Comments:
faith takes shape in actions, beliefs are merely the crude explanations of this process that we offer to the world. na'aseh v'nishma. you are telling yourself that you are getting brachot because a) it will humor your parents and b) it can't hurt, but the reality is somewhere between c) you have never stopped the faith that you have because it's source is beyond you and d) all of the above. PS you are invited to hang out in the Capital of Golus anytime, we'll set you up.
-KMS
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