Dreams
Had another really vivid dream in which 2 teeth fell out. It seemed so real. In my dream I recalled dreaming about teeth falling out and marveled out how I couldn't believe it actually happened.
I didn't feel well this morning and I didn't make it to class and then as I was sleeping I dreamt that I got a phone call that said that I had to drop my course because the class I missed was obligatory for the course. I was frantically trying to speak to the department secretary and work it out somehow. I kept insisiting that I didn't know this was a special session and she kept telling me it was on the syllabus. The weird part was that I missed a lecture on the cerebellum and the class I missed this morning was History of Psychology - totally unrelated.
These are really clearly anxiety dreams and I am wondering if this stomach virus is more associated with anxiety than some kind of biological agent.
Thursday night I was driving and crying and thinking about Arnie and I started to suspect that I am focusing on Arnie to avoid thinking about grad school. I also suspected that i feed the drama, i enjoy the pain and tears or perhaps it was just exhaustion at that point. do i like the intensity? do i want it? am i not letting go because I enjoy being depressed over it- this way I can sit on my couch and cry and feel like I have an excuse not to be productive or social. I can choose to let go, I can choose to focus on the ways in which he isn't good for me. I suppose it doesn't matter how things may or may not be as we both have to want to try and do I really want a long distance relationship anyway (even a non-exclusive one)?
The good (?) news is that I dont feel like this is motivated by self-doubt or desperation. I think I know my worth and value myself and I dont' think I would beg anyone to try to be with me. I know that someone will want me enough- i love that Arnie thinks I am mesmerizing and i think he is mesmerizing (not just cuz of who he is but why) but i need to find someone who revels in being distracted by me and is interested in the consequences. I think my neighbor is supposed to be calling me about a potential Carl.
I didn't feel well this morning and I didn't make it to class and then as I was sleeping I dreamt that I got a phone call that said that I had to drop my course because the class I missed was obligatory for the course. I was frantically trying to speak to the department secretary and work it out somehow. I kept insisiting that I didn't know this was a special session and she kept telling me it was on the syllabus. The weird part was that I missed a lecture on the cerebellum and the class I missed this morning was History of Psychology - totally unrelated.
These are really clearly anxiety dreams and I am wondering if this stomach virus is more associated with anxiety than some kind of biological agent.
Thursday night I was driving and crying and thinking about Arnie and I started to suspect that I am focusing on Arnie to avoid thinking about grad school. I also suspected that i feed the drama, i enjoy the pain and tears or perhaps it was just exhaustion at that point. do i like the intensity? do i want it? am i not letting go because I enjoy being depressed over it- this way I can sit on my couch and cry and feel like I have an excuse not to be productive or social. I can choose to let go, I can choose to focus on the ways in which he isn't good for me. I suppose it doesn't matter how things may or may not be as we both have to want to try and do I really want a long distance relationship anyway (even a non-exclusive one)?
The good (?) news is that I dont feel like this is motivated by self-doubt or desperation. I think I know my worth and value myself and I dont' think I would beg anyone to try to be with me. I know that someone will want me enough- i love that Arnie thinks I am mesmerizing and i think he is mesmerizing (not just cuz of who he is but why) but i need to find someone who revels in being distracted by me and is interested in the consequences. I think my neighbor is supposed to be calling me about a potential Carl.
posted by Zoe at 5:18 PM
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