Water-logged, Lilah-induced and REM interrupted musings
* We are all walking around with these rich interior lives and everyone is looking to be validated. All these people that appear happy and confident- some are but most aren't- no one is all the time.
* How do I maintain my sense of self, my inner balance, my confidence, my sense of empowerment? Where does it come from?
* Maybe instead of trying to treat people how I want to be treated, I should try to treat them how I think they might want to be treated- more specialized. What I want isn't necessarily universal (hard to fathom but it's true)
* For a long time, being smart was this huge part of my identity- who really cares? I'm smarter than some and certainly not smarter than all- so? Arnie was right, expending time and mental energy trying to assess your intelligence is a waste of time and energy that could be much better spent. In any event, it's not really about your potential, it (whatever it is) is about what you do with it. Genius being what it is and all. Obviously there are upper limits to your capabilities. The truth is - does it really matter?
* Bingo was SO much fun even though I won the lamest prize (OK Dani's prize might have been more lame). Then I had a really good time hanging out with Erin, Will and Holden. I can all these ways in which we are similar and I realized that I often give them a lot more leeway than I give myself. I will judge and castigate myself for doing something that I would dismiss if one of them did it.
* Do i want too much too fast? Do i get too impatient? are my expectations unrealistic?
* I am not going to go to Trivia Night tonight- I need to spend a night doing work - it would be nice to be studying and learning information by reading and reviewing regularly instead of just cramming. I don't need to go out every night. I have dinner and movie plans with Sarah tomorrow and I think Joan and I are finally getting together on Thursday night.
* Totally ate too much last night- feeling really gross! I have to get myself under control. I made good choices at breakfast with Will and Holden and then went swimming and made a swim date for tomorrow but then when I came to the lab I chowed down on pretzels- I should have brought more than cut mango for lunch. I have to stop interpreting each lapse as license to keep going for the rest of the day. I have to stop thinking that I will rein myself in tomorrow or start fresh- I need to rein myself in NOW.
* How do I feel beautiful? I haven't recently- can I do something about that? Although stopping the incessant eating (see above) would probably help as would having my skin clear up again but I know that it is more than that.
* I forget how I am OK being alone most of the time. I wouldn't want to be alone forever and I want someone who thinks I am the most interesting person in the world (see "The Science of Sleep") and someone who is invested in me and it would be nice to have someone who was the most important person in my world and it was reciprocated. But on a daily basis- most of the time, I'm OK. I have my lonely moments but I think I am not lonely more frequently than I am lonely. I have a good life filled with good people and I connect with people all the time. I have fun and I am happy. I had so much fun with Dani and then with my sibs and their friends and I realized how proud my sibs are of me and not having a boyfriend or a husband didnt' matter (do I even really want a husband now?) and I realized I think I feel like this a lot of the time.
Going to meet study group - more of the same later.
* How do I maintain my sense of self, my inner balance, my confidence, my sense of empowerment? Where does it come from?
* Maybe instead of trying to treat people how I want to be treated, I should try to treat them how I think they might want to be treated- more specialized. What I want isn't necessarily universal (hard to fathom but it's true)
* For a long time, being smart was this huge part of my identity- who really cares? I'm smarter than some and certainly not smarter than all- so? Arnie was right, expending time and mental energy trying to assess your intelligence is a waste of time and energy that could be much better spent. In any event, it's not really about your potential, it (whatever it is) is about what you do with it. Genius being what it is and all. Obviously there are upper limits to your capabilities. The truth is - does it really matter?
* Bingo was SO much fun even though I won the lamest prize (OK Dani's prize might have been more lame). Then I had a really good time hanging out with Erin, Will and Holden. I can all these ways in which we are similar and I realized that I often give them a lot more leeway than I give myself. I will judge and castigate myself for doing something that I would dismiss if one of them did it.
* Do i want too much too fast? Do i get too impatient? are my expectations unrealistic?
* I am not going to go to Trivia Night tonight- I need to spend a night doing work - it would be nice to be studying and learning information by reading and reviewing regularly instead of just cramming. I don't need to go out every night. I have dinner and movie plans with Sarah tomorrow and I think Joan and I are finally getting together on Thursday night.
* Totally ate too much last night- feeling really gross! I have to get myself under control. I made good choices at breakfast with Will and Holden and then went swimming and made a swim date for tomorrow but then when I came to the lab I chowed down on pretzels- I should have brought more than cut mango for lunch. I have to stop interpreting each lapse as license to keep going for the rest of the day. I have to stop thinking that I will rein myself in tomorrow or start fresh- I need to rein myself in NOW.
* How do I feel beautiful? I haven't recently- can I do something about that? Although stopping the incessant eating (see above) would probably help as would having my skin clear up again but I know that it is more than that.
* I forget how I am OK being alone most of the time. I wouldn't want to be alone forever and I want someone who thinks I am the most interesting person in the world (see "The Science of Sleep") and someone who is invested in me and it would be nice to have someone who was the most important person in my world and it was reciprocated. But on a daily basis- most of the time, I'm OK. I have my lonely moments but I think I am not lonely more frequently than I am lonely. I have a good life filled with good people and I connect with people all the time. I have fun and I am happy. I had so much fun with Dani and then with my sibs and their friends and I realized how proud my sibs are of me and not having a boyfriend or a husband didnt' matter (do I even really want a husband now?) and I realized I think I feel like this a lot of the time.
Going to meet study group - more of the same later.
posted by Zoe at 4:53 PM
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