SAVI and School Stuff

Today was the first rape advocacy training. We heard this amazing woman speak (she started as rape crisis counselor and has since gotten PhD and founded a few different programs and teaches - she was just so cool, I would love to go work for her at some point). We also watched a clip from "The Accused" and heard from 2 survivors as well as processing, role playing and some other training stuff. the survivors who came were so inspiring and strong. I was almost jealous of them- not that I have some deranged rape fantasy but I just really admired their strength and courage. They were both so strong, brave and proactive- they had taken this terrible thing that happened to them and managed to focus on making the world better and safer for other women. One of the women came with her boyfriend who held her purse and listened to her speak and I found myself envious of her. I want to be doing work that is important to me and working on growing and having someone support me. It is amazing to do something that is so hard for you but that you believe is important and have the support of someone who believes in you and admires you. Both women spoke about the importance of recognizing that this is something that happened to them and it made me think about bulimia and depression- I say that it is something that happened to me but do I really believe that? Do I really think that it isn't something I did to myself?
As I watched "The Accused" i also thought about being a moral absolutist and reserving judgement- I sometimes think that thigns aren't that black and white and you can't judge people but as i watched the rape scene in which there are many idle bystanders. I was so angry at them, how could they stand there and watch- and I realized that some things are black and white, some times you have to act and you have to do the moral thing even if it is uncomfortable. So even though I can justify some of my choices, can I really justify them? Even if they seemed to be an OK choice - should I have recognized that sometimes there is no choice to be made- there is a right thing to do, even if it is uncomfortable.
The Role Play was really challenging, awkward and uncomfortable but walking into the ER without simulating the situation in advance would be ill advised at best. I channelled my inner actress and I think it went well. I think I will be able to do this and I hope that I will good at it and hopefully make a difference. The expert who spoke told us that when she was an advocate she always felt like she was doing G-d's work when she walked out of the ER and the survivors spoke about how important the advocate can be in making the experience a little better. Many people spoke about the importance and healing properties of the human connection that is provided. They also spoke about how amazing and vital it is to have someone validate their experience.
It was just such a great environment- all these generous, strong women. It was such a diverse group of women and I think that it will be good for me to form relationships with these women who have different cultures, experiences and backgrounds.
A couple of months ago I went with Rihanna to this V-Day celebration and it was really inspiring - this reminded me of that night.
The expert also spoke about the cultural issues that impact advocacy and all the myths that are associated with sexual assault. There was also a focus on the blame the victim phenomenon. Some of the things that were discussed made me think about a woman's right to be sexual and provocative and the importance of maintaining that right while still being savvy and cautious. It can be a delicate balance. I want to maintain my right be sexual and my right to refuse and maintain control. I want to be able to go out and drink and dance and dress any way I please and I don't want to live in a world in which I have to suspect all men. I want to be able to trust people. I want to be able to believe in the world as an essentially safe (and sometimes) magical place.
SAVI (Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention) is having a fundraiser on Monday night honoring Mariska Hargitay. I want to go to support the work that they do - tickets are $250. I can get one ticket but I dont' want to go alone and I'm not going to pay $500 to take someone with me. Maybe one of the other trainees will want to go with me.
It was a beautiful day to walk home. I got home, ate too much, hung out with Sarah, had some raspberry beer and read the times. Sarah and I were going to go to shul but we never made it out. I didnt' get any studying done but I did start some of my application stuff and did some reading on BPD (that my new productive procrastination techinique of choice).
I hate it, I hate the application process and I really dont' want to do it. I wish I had someone to do it with me or for me, like I did for Caleb when he applied to business school. Writing essays again is really stressing me out and I feel like I don't know where to start. If someone could start my essays it would be so easy for me to edit and refine them. I know that I have to do this and I have to believe in myself and I have to believe that i deserve to get into a great school. Even just writing about this is making it hard for me to breathe. I thought that starting the application process would make it less stressful. I thought that it would be great to start tonight as I was feeling capable since I had done really well in the role plays. I really hate this! I know I have to do it but i really, really don't want to do it. Writing about this is making my stomach feel tight- i think i have to stop. I should try to go to sleep now- i 'm exhausted but now i feel like my mind is going to be racing about all this application stuff. I have to think about something else to focus on. I can try to read BPD stuff but I suspect that I will get to the end of each page without any clue as to what I have read. Totally sucks that I went from feeling energized to this agitated state. Swimming might help now, but Karen and JR's pool isn't here and it is pretty late anyway.