What's it all about

So Lilah thinks that Arnie is one of those people who needs to feel things intensely in order to feel. He is caught up in the pain of being in love with his ex. He likes the drama of loving me and then leaving - he needs the highs or lows. Clearly this makes him a bad bet so i shouldn't care if he is 3500 miles away and if he never comes back because I should be moving on. she said I am like a well of emotions and he just dug an irrigation ditch and they all came to the surface. I'm not sure if I want her to be right or not. Believing what she says means that i have to let him go- and part of me wants to hold on to him but part of me wants to get rid of the uncertainty that is inherent in holding on to him- I am at his mercy in some sense. I can walk away and take control but then I don't get him. Do I want him badly enough to make myself vulnerable? Is staying connected to Arnie going to make it harder for me to connect with other guys? Will I not need him as a friend once I meet another contender? (Arnie can be a contender if he wants to be)
What do I want from Arnie? Am I happy to be casual friends with him? What is going to make me happy? How intense do I want things to be? Would I be OK if we never had another naughty conversation or if i end up getting very little from him? I feel like I really miss him but am i just telling myself that. What if we keep in touch but I dont' see him when he comes into town? I may have even checked out flights to where he is- I can't afford to go and I am not going to (I did find fairly inexpensive trips over thanksgiving)
I'm going home after class to swim with Erin and hang out with Will and Holden and then swim with Karen in the morning. Exercising and spending time with people who love me and then more studying - I think it will be good for me. So will having Sarah here for the weekend and starting training this weekend and hanging with my downtown crew. I really love my community and my neighborhood.