And the ramblings just keep on coming
It's not in me to give up. It's not in me to just accept that things can't be the way I want them to be. I can't help but believe that love should get a chance. I want another chance to see him and put my arms around him and make us both feel better. I wish I had driven over to see him on Friday to say goodbye rather than helping my mom cook for sukkot. Not that it would make anything different right now, he is 3500 miles away and I am hurting. And I can't help thinking that there is something that I could do to make things different, to change the ways things are. I can't believe that these feelings I have, this desire to make him happy just stays here with me with no place to go. I dont' get to make him happy and I don't to make him smile or laugh and I don't get to touch him anymore. I don't want a long distance relationship, I want him here with me but at this point I would take anything, even just e-mails but I know that isn't good for me. And I know I want someone who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make him happy. And part of me thinks that is him, that he does want to make me happy which is why is he pulling away because he thinks it is better for me- maybe i'm just projecting or full of wishful thinking. What would make me feel better? would anything? Does knowing he loves me make it harder or easier for me.
I am making some progress studying but I had to come home because i have a stomachache and a headache. Studying was distracting me until the physical pain overtook the distraction. I'm not sure if I dont' feel well because I have a virus or because I didn't sleep well or because my body is feeling my emotional pain or if it is giving me an excuse to curl up and regress.
I just missed a call from Sophie- it's weird to talk to my family because I haven't told them what is going on with me. I dont' know what else I have to say anyway. It sucks, it hurts and that is the crux of it- not that profound.
I made tentative plans to hang out with Aurora today but I think I will probably either study or sleep. I'm not sure that is what is best for me but I think I am going to let myself mourn for a day and try to make myself believe that it is really over and remind myself that I have too much pride and self-respect to contact him again and to let him know that I am here if he changes his mind. I can't believe we love each other and he is really walking away. I can't believe I dont' get the chance to make him happy. Feeling this way about someone is really extraordinary and I am happy that I can care so completely for someone else. I dont' think that it is because I dont' care about myself enough. I am proud of myself for letting someone in and for being brave enough to want to try with someone that isn't ideal and isn't what I was looking for. I guess that is what i should hold onto - the ways in which this is a good thing.
Instead of going to a movie with Aurora- she is going to come over.
And I think I am going to put on the t-shirt and then it isn't going to smell like him anymore and I just want to smell him for a while and have him around me. Wow, I can't believe that I am never going to have his arms around me again and I won't sleep with him anymore. I want him to sleep on his chest and I want him to sleep with me without taking a sleeping pill and I want to chase away the ghosts that haunt him. I can't believe that I don't get to do that for him.
I am making some progress studying but I had to come home because i have a stomachache and a headache. Studying was distracting me until the physical pain overtook the distraction. I'm not sure if I dont' feel well because I have a virus or because I didn't sleep well or because my body is feeling my emotional pain or if it is giving me an excuse to curl up and regress.
I just missed a call from Sophie- it's weird to talk to my family because I haven't told them what is going on with me. I dont' know what else I have to say anyway. It sucks, it hurts and that is the crux of it- not that profound.
I made tentative plans to hang out with Aurora today but I think I will probably either study or sleep. I'm not sure that is what is best for me but I think I am going to let myself mourn for a day and try to make myself believe that it is really over and remind myself that I have too much pride and self-respect to contact him again and to let him know that I am here if he changes his mind. I can't believe we love each other and he is really walking away. I can't believe I dont' get the chance to make him happy. Feeling this way about someone is really extraordinary and I am happy that I can care so completely for someone else. I dont' think that it is because I dont' care about myself enough. I am proud of myself for letting someone in and for being brave enough to want to try with someone that isn't ideal and isn't what I was looking for. I guess that is what i should hold onto - the ways in which this is a good thing.
Instead of going to a movie with Aurora- she is going to come over.
And I think I am going to put on the t-shirt and then it isn't going to smell like him anymore and I just want to smell him for a while and have him around me. Wow, I can't believe that I am never going to have his arms around me again and I won't sleep with him anymore. I want him to sleep on his chest and I want him to sleep with me without taking a sleeping pill and I want to chase away the ghosts that haunt him. I can't believe that I don't get to do that for him.
posted by Zoe at 2:13 PM
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