More Ramblings re: Arnie

I guess I should get used to this dull ache punctuated by moments of sharp, heart wrenching pain. That is probably how things are going to be for a while. Apparently I can look forward to it hurting for a while, getting worse before it gets better and having numerous conversations with Arnie in my head. And here - since I can't email him, I will probably write my letters to him here- give myself someplace to put all my thoughts and feelings about him. Part of me is really tired of thinking about him and I want to just stop- I want to be able to concentrate on neuro-anatomy and posting my BPD survey and part of me want to sit on my bed in his t-shirt and write him untold emails unti I finally get him to give us a chance. I know that there is no way for our relationship to be ideal but I am so angry at him that he is walking away, I know he intended to walk away all along and I was fine with that- I expected that but then we really connected and then I fell in love with him and I'm not sure when that happened. But now I want to protect him and make him happy and I am so sure that I could do that if given the chance. I can't believe he is walking away from this chance to be happy - moving to another country will chase away his fears and loneliness- he takes those with him. He may be really busy working and have productive days and then be exhausted at night but still his fears will stay with him- i really believe that I can help chase them away. I really want to try. It's amazing how little this is about what I want to get and how much it is about what I want to give. This is like some tragic novel- the love that cannot be and I'm angry because it isn't family or circumstance that is keeping us apart- it's him. It's his idea that he needs to move on and away and his idea that he can't do that with me- I understand that this isn't what he expected. It isn't what I expected but I think love can change you, it can change your expectations and it deserves respect and attention. I think this is real and I think we should explore it- I just want to be with him in whatever way I can for however long I can. I suppose at this point i can say that I was with him for however long I could be and it's over.
I do respect how he was determined to start fresh and I hope it is good for him- it just sucks for me. I really want to go to the beach but since he lived by the beach i'm not sure if that will make things better or worse and I need to study - which isn't really happening but I should be making more of an effort.
I just miss him but I have to relinquish this fantasy that things will change, that he will miss me enough to contact me or that he will come back here soon. he told me from the beginning that he would never be my boyfriend and I was Ok with that as that wasn't what I wanted from him, he didn't change his position just because I changed mine. So I don't have a right to be angry- it's just easier than being sad. But sad is more honest so I should embrace that and appreciate what we had when we had it and stop regretting all the things we didnt' get to do together. I know he will be back in town in a bit for a couple of days and of course I want to see him but I don't expect to- even if he wants to I don't think he will contact me as he won't think it is good for me (and he may not want to) - would I want to see him knowing that it will be harder for me when he goes again? Probably- but it is not going to be my choice to make.