Sometimes it is just about flipping some kind of switch

I was driving to ED fundraiser tonight crying and having a conversation with Arnie in my head
"You are a f***ing contender, you are my f***ing contender"
"I love you and I want to try and be with you"
"I want to see myself through your eyes and I want you to see yourself through my eyes"
"I don't think you are perfect, but I can handle your flaws and I think you can handle mine"
"Regardless of what happens with us now or in the future, I will always be there for you in some way"
"I hate that you make me wonder about your ex and what she has that I don't, I hate that you make me doubt myself"
" i think we challenge and complement each other"
"Every other guy I date is ordinary and you aren't"
And then I stopped and I realized that it wasn't true. Bernard wasn't ordinary and DWLI 1-3 weren't ordinary and Jeremy wasn't ordinary. It didn't work with these guys and I didn't connect with them the way I connected with Arnie but they weren't ordinary. And then I stopped crying because I realized that crying was a choice I was making. I was choosing to obsess about Arnie and compose e-mails to him in my mind and cry. I was choosing to issue him a halo that he doesn't deserve. I decided to choose differently. I started singing along to the radio and preparing myself for the meeting and focusing on my schedule for tomorrow. I chose to focus on my present life.
I went to the meeting which was successful- I'm not sure how much money we raised but we definitely educated a lot of people and it was well received. I recieved a lot of praise for spearheading this project and was hailed as a dynamo and a connector (see Malcolm Gladwell's The Tipping Point). I did regret not identifying myself as a recovering bulmic especially when the clinical psychologist spoke about bulimics and how they may appear healthy and successsful but are carrying around this secret and feel like frauds. (She is a recovered anorectic and bulimic and identified herself as such).
I drove home from the meeting with Charlie- I asked her if she could round up a Carl or Daryl as I need to go on a date with a contender and she has been pretty good about providing dates in the past. I told her about Arnie in a Cliff Notes version to explain why I needed a date now. Talking to her about it reminded me about why it was such a good experience, about how connecting with him made me feel alive and how in some ways he was so much more accessible than most of the observant guys we know. He acknowledges that he has intimacy issues and that is huge. Talking to her reminded me about how far I have come since Caleb and how much I have come to know and accept myself. Other things we discussed prompted her to tell me that I am a thoughtful friend and i think she is right.
After I dropped her off, I drove home feeling great, loving life and marveling about how different it felt from this afternoon when I had been doubting myself (not just because of Arnie, in fact Arnie was a symptom of my doubt that was rooted in not studying and ceding my productivity to my nausea). I tried to call Seymour back as I hadn't wanted to return his call earlier because I felt depressed and I felt as if I didnt have anything to offer him. I felt energized- I thought about the question that T2GT posed to me a couple of weeks ago- what makes me feel energized? Identify it and then do it. For the past few days I hadn't been doing that much that would make me feel energized as I wasn't in the mood (or I was sick) and I wasn't taking the initiative to shift modes. Going to this meeting energized me.
I went home with intention to study but I ended up catching up with Stella (which was great) and then talking to Lois (which was also great). Lois and I spent a lot of time discussing how life never turns out the way you would expect it to when you are in HS and how you can act like the person whom you want to be sometimes until it is true and how to a certain extent you can choose what you focus on in your life- the good, the bad etc and the importance of accountabiliy as well as the nature of depression. I know I should have been studying but I know I will study tomorrow and it was a good conversation.
I am picking Julie up on the way to class (although I didnt' go study with her today) so I know I will get to school early. Hopefully I will wake up with this positive attitude.